Steve and Mia: Can we transcend friends-with-benefits?

I like this boy who I have been hooking up with off and on for a year and catching feelings for him. How do I get him to see me as more than just someone to sleep with?

Steve: Hey, if you’re a sex-only partner only, you’re in! Until he finds something better. Which he will. No one, alas, almost ever lands marriage from free sex. Put the sex aside and find the right man. If he wants sex first, you need another man.

Mia: Tell him that you want more. If he says no or that he’s not ready, then close down the candy shop. Then, no matter how much he begs — and he’s going to beg — don’t give in.  If there’s more to this relationship than just sex he’ll make that clear to you. If not, keep the candy store closed and don’t open it until you find the loving, committed relationship you want and deserve.

I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together off and on since meeting in school. After the last time me and him broke up, he got a girl we both knew from school pregnant.  He swore over and over that she don’t mean anything to him. I gave him another chance. He even asked me if I wanted to meet his baby, but I told him no. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I’m not ready for that. Last week, I was at his mom’s house and I saw him go outside and hand something to someone sitting in a car. I couldn’t see who it was.  He didn’t say anything when he got back inside but I knew deep inside that it was. This is eating me up inside. I love this man with all of my heart. He’s my first love.  I can see myself walking down the aisle with him but the fact he already has a baby with someone and it is  eating me up. Maybe it would be better if I had my own baby with him. I’m wondering what you think if this will make a difference.

Mia: No girlfriend! If you’re jealous of his having a baby with another woman now,  you’ll be even more jealous once the two of you share a kid. Money that could have been spent on your future kid is going to have to go support another household. Are you cool with that? I’ll bet not. Until you resolve these feelings, don’t make any babies with him or anyone else.  Get counseling to help you come to terms with this situation. It will not be easy and I wish you luck.

Steve: Mia’s right. Getting a bigger mess is only going to get worse and worse. Keep looking. You’ll meet a wonderful man, single and without a giant headache. Just listen to Patty LaBelle & Grover Washington Jr.: “The Best is Yet to Come.”