Steve and Mia: Love Letters: Valentine's Day advice from Steve and Mia

 IN HONOR of Valentine's Day, we asked Steve and Mia to share excerpts from their favorite columns:

Q: My husband lately has been spending all his free time preparing for his fantasy-baseball draft. I didn't expect the honeymoon to last forever, but I refuse to be a sports widow at age 28.

STEVE: As the philosopher Sparky Anderson once said, "There are two things that every man thinks he can do better than every other man: make love to a woman and manage a baseball team." You need to allow your husband the opportunity to do both.

MIA: Trust Steve to pass on wisdom from a man called Sparky. Maybe you could combine baseball and sex in some creative way to get his attention. Striptease to "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

Q: Why can't 50-year-old women find good men? Due to the ability of men to produce sperm much longer than women produce eggs, the attraction ratio is "half the man's age plus seven." That means 20-year-old men date 17-year-old girls, 40-year-old men are with 27-year-old women and males who want 50-year-old women are 88. Try the cemetery.

STEVE: The only men who find women in their 50s attractive are 88? I have two words for you: Helen Mirren. Or Patricia Clarkson. Yours is the goofiest theory I have ever heard.

MIA: Hell, even I'd do Helen Mirren.

Q: I've had a longtime collegial lunch relationship with a married man at work. Recently, we met for a drink after work. Although I have never signaled any interest, he tried to kiss me after a couple of drinks! He never behaved that way before. Should I have lunch with him again?

STEVE: As Mae West once observed, "Give a man a free hand, and you'll know where to find it." Go to lunch with him, but tell him for the future, drinks are out.

MIA: It's a no-win situation, especially if he's a colleague. I would only see this man in group situations from now on.

Q: I normally don't get into screaming matches with my wife, but we did after she suggested vacationing with my in-laws again. I tried telling her that I have a very stressful job and need something to look forward to besides seeing my morbidly obese mother-in-law in a swimsuit. Help!

MIA: Show your wife the email you sent us. If you two stubborn folks don't ease up, you could wind up vacationing separately. Do you really want that?

STEVE: Which beach do you go to? I don't want to see your morbidly obese mother-in-law in a swimsuit, either. Marriage is about compromise: one vacation with in-laws, next one without.

Q: I was going through a friend's cellphone when I came across a photo of a penis. I wasn't sure if it was his or someone else's. I was so surprised. What's the best way to handle this situation?

MIA: It depends. Congratulations could be in order. Or maybe pity. It's hard to say without having seen the photo. Steve?

STEVE: I dunno. Was it human? And if you didn't recognize it, just how close a friend is he, anyway? There's nasty spam email out there, so don't make any assumptions about where it came from. Ignore it unless he starts using it as a screen saver.

Q: What's the right amount of time to wait before becoming intimate? Is there still a three-date rule? I've been out of the game for a while, and now I've met someone I really like. I can tell he likes me too. He has invited me over, but I've been making excuses. I don't want to move too fast, but I also don't want to lose him. Help!

STEVE: How long should you wait before becoming intimate? Four beers. That was my rule when I was in my 20s. Subsequent hospital visits persuaded me to take a more sober approach. I learned to use my head and my heart instead of other body parts when making this decision. Your decision should be based on how you feel, not how he feels or what he wants.

MIA: Repeat to yourself, "This is all about me." Say it until you really believe it, because it's ultimately your decision if you decide to have sex with this guy.

Too many women make the mistake of becoming intimate before they're ready, because they're afraid the guy is going to dump them for a more willing bed partner. If a guy will dump you for not putting out sooner, you're better off without him.

The right guy will wait until you're ready. When you are ready, make sure you have "The Talk" first and protect yourself from unsafe sex. Good luck!

Q: My boyfriend is great in bed, but he's insecure about whether he's pleasing me. He constantly asks if it feels OK, if he's touching me right, etc. It's a total mood killer. How can I shut him up?

MIA: Sit on his face.

STEVE: Have these conversations when you're not having sex. Discuss your likes and dislikes and how to put them into practice. But tell him to lose the play-by-play.