Too much info-mercials are getting on his nerves

I'VE DECIDED that I am no longer going to watch commercials, because I'm starting to see ads that no one should be forced to endure.

The best ones are nearly unwatchable, and it only gets worse from there. Take car-dealer ads, for instance. For the most part, they're low-budget affairs and unapologetically cheesy. Some feature the owner's niece, who always wanted to act but never got her big break. Others star sales guys whose dad bods are oddly endearing. Still others feature the owner himself, yelling something strangely threatening about deals you dare not miss.

If you can take a little green screen, some cheap graphics and guys whose shrill voices strike that delicate balance between scary and troubling, you can watch a used-car commercial without wanting to scratch your eyes out.

But as bad as the used-car ads tend to be, it's those other commercials that are starting to get to me. You know, the ones that are so personal, they should only take place behind locked doors. I like to call these the too-much-information commercials. They are ads, quite frankly, that aim to get into your head by hitting below the belt.

Let's start with the ones that feature the classic below-the-belt disorder: erectile dysfunction. Maybe if I were in a doctor's office and posing questions about ED, I'd be receptive to the information contained in the ads. But if I'm watching TV with the kids and we're suddenly transported to a world focused on the sexual problems of strangers, I'm trying not to hear it.

This is especially true if the ad is corny.

For instance, I'm fairly sure that a guy who's found his miracle pill isn't sitting outside in a bathtub holding hands with his wife, who just happens to be in a separate bathtub beside him. No, this dude, who has presumably spent months wondering if he'll ever ride again, is at home with his woman. And, trust me, they're not coming out until the pills are gone or his heart gives out, whichever comes first.

Of course, the below-the-belt commercials are no longer limited to sex pills with milelong side-effect lists. They now feature products whose very names make you want to curl into a fetal position and stay there.

Take the transvaginal mesh commercials. Aired on behalf of ambulance-chasing lawyers, these ads aim to cash in on women who experienced side effects from the implantation of a device meant to treat pelvic organ prolapse and urinary incontinence.

I don't want to be a prude here, but can't these lawyers get a list of those affected and speak with them privately?

I just don't think those ladies' vaginal problems are any of my business. Neither are the erectile-dysfunction issues of the guy who hangs out in the tub.

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Or maybe I'm seeing more below-the-belt advertising because LaVeta likes 1970s TV shows. That means we watch channels that target an older population.

Perhaps that's why we also get to see plenty of catheter commercials. Like used-car commercials, these tend to be cheesy, but rather than featuring the company president's niece, they feature his dad. The ads don't make me want to run out and buy catheters, but they do make me want to cross my legs really hard.

I miss those guys from the old commercials, guys like Grandpa Stroehmann, who was old enough to have prostate problems but wise enough to hawk his bread and keep his erectile-dysfunction to himself.

I miss the Maytag Man, too. Yeah, he was lonely, but you never saw him pushing catheters. I respected him for that.

Sadly, we'll never go back to the time when at least some things were private, but I sure wish we could avoid the commercials that focus on people's privates.

I'm tired of being hit below the belt.