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Rabbi Uram: What does God want you to wear at synagogue this year?

One of my earliest memories of heading off to synagogue on the Jewish High Holidays was the fight about what to wear. As a young boy, I remember being forced to endure those incredibly uncomfortable clip-on ties.

When I first got to services, I saw and heard something so much more disturbing. Even as a young child, I could sense that something was off.

It seemed to me that everyone was showing off or at least trying to keep up. Women wore outlandish hats and shoes. Men wore bejeweled watches and newly styled tallitot (prayer shawls).

Worse was what I heard all around me from the adults. "Can you believe what she's wearing?" "Wow he's really put on weight."

All of this of course has nothing to do with the holiday, and yet it continues.

Every year after the High Holidays, I speak to students who express their frustration with this aspect of the holiday. The sermons and prayers are filled with deep spiritual themes that have profound psychological wisdom, and yet the way that people dress does not seem to reflect those values.

Over the years, so many students have told me how they cannot understand why the High Holidays feel like a fashion show. Here's the secret though: It's not just kids and college students.

I have heard the same thing from adults in my community. So many of us feel an unwanted pressure to dress in a certain way at this time of year. By the way, I totally understand it. For many people, the holidays are a big occasion and a chance to see so many people in the community that we don't normally get to see. For those reasons, people want to show off a bit.

And yet, on some level we all lose. None of us really wants that pressure to look perfect on a holiday that has such lofty spiritual goals. And let's be honest, who can really pray or be introspective when you're wearing clothes that make it hurt to stand or painful to sit?

But don't give up yet. Jewish tradition has wisdom to help us out of this conundrum.

The Talmud Sage, Rabban Gamliel (in tractate Moed Katan 27) addressed a similar problem in his day. The Talmud tells us that the cost to bury the dead became so expensive and elaborate that people who couldn't afford a fancy funeral had to resort to leaving their dead out in open spaces.

To address this, Rabban Gamliel had his body carried out in a simple shroud rather than the fancy garments that were the custom at the time. In doing so, he set an example that others followed.   From that time forward, people, whether rich or poor, would be buried in simple shrouds as a way of protecting the dignity of all people.

Just as people at the time of Rabban Gamliel felt incredible social pressure to have fancy clothes at their funerals, we feel pressure today to wear fancy clothes at services. It's time for our rabbinic leaders to set the stage for a culture change on this issue.

So for my part, I will offer a few aspirational principles for how to dress on the High Holidays:

1. Buying something new and special for the holiday is a great idea. It's a wonderful family tradition, and just like the first day of school, it's nice to bring in the New Year with something new.

2. No ties for men. How can you really pray with a constricting rope separating your head from your body?

3. Comfortable shoes for women. In front of many sanctuaries in North America reads the saying "Know before Whom you stand." If your feet are killing you, how you can even contemplate the larger questions in life?

4. Before you get dressed, try to answer these two questions as honestly as you can: Who am I really dressing for? And what do I want to be wearing when I am contemplating my moral successes and failures from the last year.

I offer all of this not as judgments to the people and the congregations that dress fancy. I don't blame anyone or single anyone out. We're all part of a system and it's very hard to be the one person who acts differently.

My point here is simple: to provoke a conversation that might help free us all from these silly social conventions that really cause more suffering than anything else.

Wishing you a sweet new year filled with deep introspection and comfortable clothes.

(If you're looking for something to help you learn more about the holidays, please check out the CliffsNotes for Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur created by Penn Hillel.)