People are so cranky that there are now solutions for crankiness.
Not all good solutions.
I’m talking about The Wrecking Club.
The Wrecking Club is an actual place in New York City where you can go and break things for half an hour.
They put you in a room and give you a hard hat, safety glasses, and a sledgehammer.
Plus stuff to break.
They even have a website with FAQs with a reminder to wear “closed-toed shoes.”
In case you were wondering what to wear to break things.
Myself, that would be the least of my questions.
If I were going in a room to break things, it would be the only day of my life that I didn’t worry about what to wear.
Other FAQs include, “What am I breaking?”
According to the website, the answer is, “This depends on what we currently have. Expect a variety of items, including monitors, televisions, laptops, desktops, alarm clocks….”
You get the idea.
Stuff that doesn’t work.
Still, I’m not a fan.
Don’t be judgy.
If I have a monitor, television, laptop, desktop, or alarm clock, I’m totally keeping it.
Even if it doesn’t work anymore.
I’m going to find a place for it, like in a closet.
Because if I took it out a year after I put it in the closet, it might work again.
And if it didn’t, I would put it back inside.
Maybe the closet doesn’t work.
Maybe it ran out of magic.
The very last thing I would do is break one of those things.
And the other very last thing I would do is pay somebody to let me break one of those things.
On the contrary, I would pay somebody so that I never had to break one of those things.
Besides, whether something doesn’t work or not is very subjective.
My last laptop got slow, so I replaced it with a new one and put the old one in the magic closet.
That doesn’t mean the laptop didn’t work.
It means I was impatient.
If I get more patient, the laptop works fine.
I’m the one who’s broken, not the laptop.
Also the closet, whose magic battery needs recharging.
I hope that when I start getting slow, people don’t put me in the closet.
Or break me on purpose.
The whole idea of The Wrecking Club is that breaking things is good for stressed-out people because it will make them less stressed out. As one of the testimonials says on the website, “A great way to blow off steam!”
I beg to differ.
If I were so cranky that I had to go in a room and break things for half an hour, I would come out crankier. In fact, I think I would come out a jangling bundle of nerves.
It cost $35 for Bronze Monthly membership to The Wrecking Club, which entitles you to a “free short stack of plates.”
I’m not making that up.
You can go in a room and break the plates.
These people don’t know me.
If I break a plate, I cry.
I love plates.
I even collect plates, hang them on the wall, and think how pretty they are.
Of course I would never throw away a set of plates, even plates I don’t use anymore.
Why would I?
It’s a perfectly good set of plates.
Anyone can use them.
Plates don’t even have to match anymore.
I keep all plates.
I bet every woman I know keeps at least one set of plates she never uses. Or maybe two, like ovaries.
Good for you, ladies!
I’m on your side!
Because you never know.
For the Silver Membership to The Wrecking Club, you can get a “bucket of dishes.”
I know, how sad.
If you put a gun to my head, I would not harm a “bucket of dishes.”
I would need a “bucket of therapy.”
Actually The Wrecking Club has a coupon for “Couples Therapy,” so you can break electronics and plates together.
In other words, my second marriage.
Take it from me, if you and your mate need to break things on a weekly basis, you don’t need a club membership, you need a divorce.
I don’t get it at all.
If you’re angry and you go in a room and scream for half an hour, does that make you feel less angry?
It wouldn’t for me.
My throat would hurt, but I would still be angry.
Because I usually have excellent reasons for being angry, and they don’t go away just because I yelled or broke things.
The solution to crankiness is not destruction.
I try not to focus on what makes me cranky, especially not for half an hour in safety glasses.
Here is what I would rather do:
Read a book.
Bake a cake.
Take a walk.
Pet the dogs.
Try to catch my cat so I can pet her.
How about you?
Join my club.
You’ll live longer.
I’ll put a plate out for you.
I have plenty.
And you can wear whatever shoes you like.
Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” coming in July, and look for Lisa’s number-one best-selling domestic thriller, “After Anna” in stores now. email@example.com.