Lisa Scottoline: Devices let a lazy woman devise easier ways to get dressed

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The Sock Slider, a device that helps people put on their socks — intended for people with arthritis or mobility issues — has given one lazy lady ideas.

Have you seen the commercial for the Sock Slider?

I’m so there.

It’s a device that helps people put on their socks and it’s intended for people with arthritis or mobility issues.

But what about lazy people like me?

I might order one.

Or maybe two, one for each foot.

And think of the other possibilities.

There could be a Shirt Slider for people who can’t lift up their arms, or those like me who simply don’t want to.

Or a Pants Slider that holds your pants open while you jump in.

A Bra Slider for those who need help putting on a bra.

Or a Braless Slider for those who realize that bras are optional.

I’ll buy that.

I’ll take all the help I can get.

Why not?

I say this because on my last book tour, I brought dresses with zippers on the back and I couldn’t zip them up.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach my arm around for the last third of the zip. I was going crazy in my hotel room, whirling around with my elbow in the air.

What’s a girl to do?

I couldn’t go to my signing that way, so I stopped at a Starbucks and asked a female barista to zip me up.

That’s me, no pride.

It’s my new Starbucks order.

I’ll have a vente iced green tea latte, soy milk, no syrup, and do you mind dressing me?

Nobody minded.

One female barista said with a smile, “I do that for my mom, too!”

I left her a big tip.

I love good daughters.

Of course I didn’t ask any of the male baristas, for fear of sexually arousing them.

I’m considerate that way.

So I need a Zipper Slider.

And an Earring Slider.

I can’t put my earrings on anymore.

I don’t know when this started happening, but I’ve noticed it recently.  If I have an earring with a post, I can’t hold the little back and put on the earring.  I keep dropping the little back.  And the last time I tried, I stabbed myself in the earlobe so hard I practically repierced my ear.

I have the same problem with hoops, where I can’t get the gold wire in the little tunnel.

When did everything get so little?

And why don’t my fingers work anymore?

In truth, more and more, I can’t do any of the fasteners on my jewelry.

I need a Jewelry Slider.

I have one really pretty necklace that I can’t fasten in the back.

I can’t work any of the catches on any chains at all.

At this point, I wear only necklaces that I can put over my head like a noose.

Lovely.

I’m not sure what the cause of this is.  The obvious answer is that it’s a getting-older thing, in that as we age, we lose fine motor coordination.

I’m not a doctor, I don’t know if that’s the answer.

I’m just a lady telling you what’s happening from the front line, since I wish somebody had told it to me.

Because I would’ve bought jewelry with fewer fasteners.

And if it is about aging, God knows what fresh hell is next.

Before you know it, I’ll need a contraption that holds my necklace up in the air, like a basketball hoop for hags.

Then I can scoot underneath and launch myself up into it.

And how long am I going to be able to scoot for?

When do we start rolling me under the necklace and having a machine lower it around my neck?

But I don’t know if it’s truly about aging.

Because an equal possibility to me is that we start caring less about dumb things such as wearing jewelry.

I remember when it was a important to me to wear nice earrings and a necklace.  It gave me a lot of pleasure, but I also didn’t feel dressed without it.

Now I do.

Now I don’t care.

That’s the truth about getting older.

The trappings fall away, and everything becomes simpler.

I feel dressed just by waking up in the morning.

Look, world, I get another day of breathing in and out.

Can you beat that for perfect?

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere But the Pool,” and Lisa’s new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Exposed,” in stores now. lisa@scottoline.com.