Have you seen the commercial for the Sock Slider?
I’m so there.
It’s a device that helps people put on their socks and it’s intended for people with arthritis or mobility issues.
But what about lazy people like me?
I might order one.
Or maybe two, one for each foot.
And think of the other possibilities.
There could be a Shirt Slider for people who can’t lift up their arms, or those like me who simply don’t want to.
Or a Pants Slider that holds your pants open while you jump in.
A Bra Slider for those who need help putting on a bra.
Or a Braless Slider for those who realize that bras are optional.
I’ll buy that.
I’ll take all the help I can get.
I say this because on my last book tour, I brought dresses with zippers on the back and I couldn’t zip them up. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t reach my arm around for the last third of the zip. I was going crazy in my hotel room, whirling around with my elbow in the air.
What’s a girl to do?
I couldn’t go to my signing that way, so I stopped at a Starbucks and asked a female barista to zip me up.
That’s me, no pride.
It’s my new Starbucks order.
I’ll have a vente iced green tea latte, soy milk, no syrup, and do you mind dressing me?
One female barista said with a smile, “I do that for my mom, too!”
I left her a big tip.
I love good daughters.
Of course I didn’t ask any of the male baristas, for fear of sexually arousing them.
I’m considerate that way.
So I need a Zipper Slider.
And an Earring Slider.
I can’t put my earrings on anymore.
I don’t know when this started happening, but I’ve noticed it recently. If I have an earring with a post, I can’t hold the little back and put on the earring. I keep dropping the little back. And the last time I tried, I stabbed myself in the earlobe so hard I practically repierced my ear.
I have the same problem with hoops, where I can’t get the gold wire in the little tunnel.
When did everything get so little?
And why don’t my fingers work anymore?
In truth, more and more, I can’t do any of the fasteners on my jewelry.
I need a Jewelry Slider.
I have one really pretty necklace that I can’t fasten in the back.
I can’t work any of the catches on any chains at all.
At this point, I wear only necklaces that I can put over my head like a noose.
I’m not sure what the cause of this is. The obvious answer is that it’s a getting-older thing, in that as we age, we lose fine motor coordination.
I’m not a doctor, I don’t know if that’s the answer.
I’m just a lady telling you what’s happening from the front line, since I wish somebody had told it to me.
Because I would’ve bought jewelry with fewer fasteners.
And if it is about aging, God knows what fresh hell is next.
Before you know it, I’ll need a contraption that holds my necklace up in the air, like a basketball hoop for hags.
Then I can scoot underneath and launch myself up into it.
And how long am I going to be able to scoot for?
When do we start rolling me under the necklace and having a machine lower it around my neck?
But I don’t know if it’s truly about aging.
Because an equal possibility to me is that we start caring less about dumb things such as wearing jewelry.
I remember when it was a important to me to wear nice earrings and a necklace. It gave me a lot of pleasure, but I also didn’t feel dressed without it.
Now I do.
Now I don’t care.
That’s the truth about getting older.
The trappings fall away, and everything becomes simpler.
I feel dressed just by waking up in the morning.
Look, world, I get another day of breathing in and out.
Can you beat that for perfect?
Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere But the Pool,” and Lisa’s new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Exposed,” in stores now. email@example.com.