Updated: Thursday, October 5, 2017, 3:01 AM
Time to confess.
I have hooded eyes.
Do you even know what that is?
If you want to see a picture of hooded eyes, look at my author photo.
My hooded eyes are right underneath my disappearing eyebrows.
In other words, take a look at my author photo and try to imagine where my eyebrows would be if I still looked like a human being.
Then try to find my eyelid.
It’s a trick. I have hooded eyes, so you can’t find my eyelid.
I can’t either, so the joke’s on me.
Here is the nonmedical definition of hooded eyes:
When you get to be a hag, gravity takes over your body and everything lowers. Every part of you sags, including the skin over your eyes, which drapes over your eyelid so far that it doesn’t look as though you have an eyelid anymore.
That would be the definition from the trenches.
I looked online to try to define hooded eyes, and, of course, there is no medical definition, but there are plenty of definitions according to L’Oreal and other makeup companies.
Which view hooded eyes as a situation to be remedied tout de suite.
According to the L’Oreal website, “Well, when you have hooded eyes, that means the crease created by your eyelid can appear to be hidden.”
They started with “Well,” to let you down easy.
Unlike gravity, that bitch.
They could’ve said, “Well, when you get to be a hag …”
But they didn’t.
In case you don’t know your own age.
Or have yet to accept your hagdom.
They also could’ve said: “You want to know what hooded eyes are? Well, are you sitting down?”
Of course you’re sitting down.
Because you’re a hag.
That’s what we do.
By the way, I was only 40 when I got my eye hoods.
That was 20 years before I entered haghood.
I’m looking forward to the next stage of life, when I become a crone.
I think it will be a lot of fun, and you can be one of my cronies.
According to L’Oreal’s Makeup Tutorial for Hooded Eyes: “When this occurs, certain eye makeup looks aren’t as easily visible since the eyelid appears to be smaller.”
This would be the understatement of the year.
Put simply, you can’t see your eyeliner if it’s hiding under your saggy-ass eye skin.
I started on this topic because I was fine with my hooded eyes this morning, when I noticed that my eyelids are now drooping so low they’re resting on my eyelashes.
If you ask me, that’s slacking, even for slack skin.
In fact, my eyelid is actually bumpy because it’s following the line of my eyelashes, and my eyelashes don’t have the strength to hold up my eyelid, so they’re tilting down.
I know, sounds superhot, doesn’t it?
It makes me look permanently sleepy, which, come to think of it, isn’t far from the truth.
Lucky for us hags, the L’Oreal website has “makeup tips and tricks for hooded eyes,” which “you can master to give the appearance of a larger, happier, wide-awake set of eyes.”
This is asking a lot from a pair of eyes, in my opinion.
I can see.
That’s really all I ask from my eyes.
Even though I wear glasses and/or contacts, I’m still not mad at my eyes.
They’re still doing their job.
Now they have to be happy?
A lot of people aren’t happy at their job.
But they show up for work every day.
My eyes are professional.
Meanwhile, I’ve heard of hungry eyes, but never happy eyes.
And I’m not sure that hooded eyes look unhappy.
But I don’t think I could convince L’Oreal of it. One of the makeup tips is, “Flick a little eyeliner up at the edges for instantly revived winged cat eye.”
Now we have cat eyes?
Happy cat eyes or sad cat eyes?
Large cat eyes or little cat eyes?
Hooded cat eyes or cat eyes without the hood?
Listen, I will tell you the truth.
Because I’m not trying to sell you makeup.
There is no high-priced shadow, liner, or Spackle you can throw on your eyelids that will correct or minimize hooded eyes.
Because you can’t see it anymore.
So don’t bother.
Just consider yourself lucky that you don’t have to use eyeliner anymore, much less the liquid eyeliner that makes cat eyes.
Because that was hard to do.
Anytime I used liquid eyeliner, it looked like somebody’s EKG.
So now I don’t have to bother.
I’m embracing my hooded eyes.
In fact, I’m going to call them hoodie eyes.
Just to remind myself how much fun they are.
See you later.
Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere But the Pool,” and Lisa’s new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Exposed,” in stores now. email@example.com.
Read full story: Lisa Scottoline: She's got hooded eyes