I try to stay positive, but reality intervenes.
Usually via the internet, which is one-stop shopping for everything wonderful and infuriating.
Wonderful, because where else can you see a baby elephant wearing a blanket?
Infuriating, because the baby elephant needs an armed guard — otherwise people will shoot it for fun.
But on a lighter note, high heels!
I saw an article online the other day, telling women that “with wedding season right around the corner, here’s one simple trick that will make your high heels stop hurting!”
You know right away what I’m thinking.
I can fix that problem tout de suite:
Don’t wear high heels.
Look at me, solving problems left and right!
North Korea, any questions?
Answer: Don’t bomb anyone.
Russia, any questions?
Answer: Mind your own business.
Congress, any questions?
Answer: Do your job.
By the way, I’m still a fun girl.
I’m not saying you can’t wear high heels.
But don’t wear insanely high heels.
Take it down a notch. Or an inch.
I loved watching the royal wedding, but I thought it was laughable how many female guests could not walk in their own shoes.
If you can’t walk without holding onto George Clooney, you have the wrong shoes.
Wait, maybe that’s not my best example.
To return to point, the article about high heels didn’t say not to wear them, but instead proposed a “hack.”
(As in, hacks wrote the article.)
The article said: “If you love wearing heels but hate the pain they cause, tape your third and fourth toes together!”
OMG, why didn’t I think of that?
And why would I do such a thing, internet?
Because “wearing heels can put pressure on a nerve between those toes, which can cause pain.”
By the way, the boldfaced letters for nerve were in the original article, since nerve is obviously a highly technical term that may be unfamiliar to women.
In fact, ladies, I’ll use the word nerve in a sentence, so you can try to ascertain its meaning from context:
People who write these dopey articles have a lot of nerve.
Got it now, girls?
Try to follow along, hobbled though you may be, if not by your high heels, then by your ovaries.
And who could have guessed there were nerves in your feet?
Thanks, Dr. Internet!
And why stop at taping only two toes together?
If two is good, three is better!
(Actually it’s one better, per foot, which shows you how excellent I am at math, despite my female brain.)
Why not just wrap a bunch of tape all around your foot so that your toes are stuck together, and if you start early enough, like when you’re 5 or 6, you could fit inside any high heel you wanted, because your toes will grow together and you can tuck them underneath your foot.
It’s called foot-binding and was invented during the 10th century in China.
But hey, everything old is new again.
You know what never goes out of style?
Trying to convince women that pain is worth it if it makes us look hotter.
But I moved on from that article, only to see another one titled, “Want to Wax at Home?”
Happily, my sense of humor was returning.
To me, the question was a no-brainer.
No, I don’t want to wax at home.
I don’t want to wax in a box, or with a fox, in a house, or with a mouse.
I don’t want to wax anywhere.
Here’s what I want to do at home:
Read a book.
Eat chocolate cake.
Here’s what I don’t want to do at home:
Pour hot wax on my skin.
Or bind my feet.
Other than that, I’m good.
The article went on to sell “home waxing kits.”
Of course, the phrase is misleading.
You’re not waxing your home.
Or even your car.
What you’re actually doing is pouring hot wax on your body hair, then yanking it out at the root.
Which doesn’t sound as marketable.
You might not pay somebody $50 to pour hot wax on your body hair and yank it out at the root.
In any sane world, you would pay somebody $50 not to pour hot wax on your body hair and yank it out at the root.
In fact, I’m sure that pouring hot wax on your body hair and yanking it out at the root qualifies as an enhanced interrogation method.
But this article cared about women’s health and welfare, because it went on to say, “Unfortunately, without the right product, it can also get a little messy. And without proper attention, you can accidentally get burned. Yikes.”
Bless their hearts.
And once again, they’re just reminding us:
Ladies, pain is necessary if you want to look hot.
And sometimes, so is heat.
So thanks for that information, internet.
Oh, and go to hell.
Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere But the Pool,” and Lisa’s number-on best-selling domestic thriller, “After Anna,” in stores now. email@example.com.