Happy holidays, and thanks for the mammaries | Lisa Scottoline

couple holding baubles
Normal holiday sweaters, which cover all parts of the torso. Unlike the “reindeer boob sweater.”

Now I’ve seen everything. Or maybe half of everything.

I’m talking, of course, about the latest holiday craze for women: the “reindeer boob sweater.”

Yes, you read that right.

And, no, I didn’t make it up.

I’m a better writer than that. See, reindeer, boob, and sweater, are all nouns, so they can’t modify each other.

In other words, I’m literate, and that’s how you know I didn’t write it.

Also, the combination of words makes it unclear whether it’s the reindeer’s boob or not.

Spoiler alert: It’s not.

But still, it was unclear. And you never know. Reindeer have boobs, after all.

I hear Vixen had a nice rack.

Anyway, the reindeer boob sweater is such an unbelievably bad idea that it’s even too bad for me. And considering my second marriage, that’s saying something.

But I digress.

You may have seen the reindeer boob sweater on Facebook, which acquires a whole new level of crazy during the holidays.

And that’s saying something, too.

Anyway, the reindeer boob sweater is a normal holiday sweater that has a hole cut in one side, where you actually take out your breast and decorate it like a reindeer, by drawing eyes on it and gluing a red ball where your nipple would be. Like Rudolph the Red-Nippled Reindeer.

Did you just throw up in your mouth?

A friend of mine told me about the reindeer boob sweater and I thought it couldn’t be true, but then I went online and there it was, worn by a woman with an actual boob hanging out of her clothes.

Or maybe she was the boob.

I try not to judge other people’s fashion choices. But I’m pretty sure a sweater that puts your breasts on the outside is not a great idea.

First off, it’s chilly. And if it gets too cold out, that reindeer nose will fall right off.

Or maybe it will stay on better, like a cheese cube on a toothpick?

Plus, it doesn’t make any sense. Why is only one boob out? Why not two?

After all, if the idea is that these are the reindeer that pulled Santa’s sleigh, they were in matched pairs.

Also, it’s better for symmetry.

And, by the way, the boob displayed in all the reindeer boob sweaters is the right one.

LOL.

I’m guessing that’s because every woman has different-sized breasts, and I’m guessing that everybody’s right breast is bigger than her left, since most people are right-handed.

See what I did there? I just made that up, but it sounds right, doesn’t it?

I mean, if some knucklehead can make something called a reindeer boob sweater, I can make up science.

And I don’t see how the two-reindeer boob sweater is any more tasteless than the one-reindeer boob sweater, because you can’t get more tasteless than tasteless, can you?

I’m not talking about politics. I’m talking about boobs.

Oh wait, sorry.

You know when this all started, don’t you?

First there were holiday sweaters that had Christmas trees, Santa, or dreidels.  I thought they were cute and always wanted one, but before I got around to getting one, a wave of ironic holiday sweaters came in, which were supposedly intentionally ugly.

I felt left out in the cold. Literally.

Because the message of the ironic holiday sweater was that you had to be dorky to like the normal holiday sweater, which I secretly wanted.

But now everybody’s lost their minds, and the new idea is that your breast should be on the outside of your sweater, and women are evidently going for this, all in. Or at least half in.

Mind you, Merriam-Webster’s has proclaimed the word of the year is feminism.

I saw online that Slate magazine said the people who don’t like the reindeer boob sweater are “puritanical.”

That’s not the word I would use. I would use the word sighted.

Also, enough already with the boobs. Does it ever get old?

It makes women who have had  mastectomies or breast surgery feel funny or left out.

This is where I tell you that I myself had a cyst removed from one of my breasts a long time ago, and it left a curved scar, like a smile.

TMI? You must be new around here.

So no reindeer boob sweaters for me. My breast is already decorated. And it doesn’t need to be displayed outside a sweater to feel happy. It’s in a great mood all the time. It’s grinning!

And it’s saying: “Happy Holidays!”

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s new humor collection, “I Need a Lifeguard Everywhere But the Pool,” and Lisa’s new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, “Exposed,” in stores now. lisa@scottoline.com.