Lisa Scottoline: To Boldly Go living

You've probably heard that we discovered seven new planets that might have water.

Good, because I'm thirsty.

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You probably are, too.

Everybody's thirsty all the time, which is why we're always carrying bottles of water around that we have to throw somewhere.

But no worries.

Soon we'll have new planets to throw our water bottles around on.

This is great because it's getting cluttered down here, with the trash and all. There are landfills of trash, Dumpsters of trash, and lakes of trash. There's even a floating island of trash that's sailing around the ocean, like a cruise with really bad food.

It takes a long time to throw enough crap around to mess up an entire planet, but I think we're finally getting there.

And now that we're just running out of planet to throw things around on, just in time, we discover there are seven new planets to throw things around on.

Some species have all the luck.

The new planets have their own system, called TRAPPIST-1, which sounds like a vanity plate to me. Considering what we're going to do to them, maybe we should change the name to TRASH-IT-1.

And, if you ask me, time's a-wastin'.

Those planets aren't going to trash themselves.

They need experts to do it for them, and we're already behind the eight ball.

Luckily, I think we have the learning curve down. I don't expect it to take us as long to trash those planets as it did this one. Plus, there are more people making more trash every day, so, hopefully, if we all pitch in, we can get this job done in no time.

We are the world.

And we trash it together.

I have the same exact problem with my kitchen drawers.

They keep getting filled up, but it's a pain in the neck to clean them out. I would love it if I had a whole new set of drawers to junk up.

Sometimes, you just have to start over.

It's like divorce for your planet.

ex-husbands, but only one ex-planet. So I'm behind the count.

Or ahead?

That goes for digging, too.

We've done a lot of digging, and we're running out of places to dig. In fact, about five years ago, we dug in the bottom of the ocean, and we made a hole in the planet and the stuffing came out.

Oops.

You remember when that happened. We had to plug up the hole, but nobody's fingers were big enough, so we were in real trouble.

To me, the solution was simple.

Eat more.

Then your fingers will get chubbier, and pretty soon you'll be able to plug any holes at all.

I figured that out all by myself.

You didn't know I was that smart, did you?

Anyway, I'm excited about our new planets, which already have their own website. You can't blame them. If those planets want us to fly up there and start trashing, they have to promote themselves.

The competition will be fierce.

But I think we're up to the challenge.

After all, we put the first man on the moon.

Isn't it about time we put the first Dumpster everywhere else?

Not only that, but I bet there's a lot of cool new animals we've never seen before up there.

We definitely need new animals because we're almost out of them down here. More animals are disappearing every day. All creatures great and small, until they're so small they're gone.

Well, that's not exactly true. To clarify, we have too many dogs and cats, but we don't have enough giraffes or lions.

This is because their heads keep ending up on people's walls.

If only they could keep their heads, then they would live.

You need a head to live.

Again, I'm a genius.

Ask me anything.

That's why I'm hopeful that if we get to these new planets, those animals will have heads, and they'll be around longer.

Also, you need a head to breathe.

Oxygen.

There are places that are running out of oxygen on this planet, so we need to go where the oxygen is, on our new planets.

We'll have to fly there.

Unfortunately, it's far away. According to the website, it will take 39 light-years to get there. So we'll need a lot of snacks.

And a lot of gas.

Which might make some smoke.

But the smoke will clear up in time, like maybe five million years, and by then we will have discovered seven new planets.

It will all work out in the end, don't you think?

It always has.

It always will.

In another world.

Look for Lisa and Francesca's humor collection "I've Got Sand in All the Wrong Places" and Lisa's novel "Damaged" in stores now. Also look for Lisa's new domestic thriller, "One Perfect Lie," coming April 11.

lisa@scottoline.com.


NEXT WEEK: EXCLUSIVE EXCERPTS

"One Perfect Lie"

Read the first of three excerpts from Lisa Scottoline's new novel in Live Life Love.