Chick Wit: Pampering Ruby the Corgi

I just bought diapers.

For Ruby the Crazy Corgi.

Before I explain, let me warn you. If you're squeamish, stop reading now. Go read something else.

Preferably one of my books.

Or enjoy life some other way.

It's up to you.

This is America.

Just don't say I didn't warn you, if you're truly squeamish about things like poop and peepee.

By the way, before we even begin, let me mention something about things scatological.

(That's an SAT word for poop and peepee, in case you didn't know. I wanted to save you the trouble of looking it up. Because I want to make your life easier. I care, people.)

I honestly don't understand why people get squeamish about bodily functions, and I will say now, even though men might write me nasty emails, that I think this is gender-related. Because I have never known a woman to be that squeamish about poop and peepee, undoubtedly because we started changing diapers first. I know that men change diapers, too, but I bet they come to it after the seal's broken, and by that point, they know they're not allowed to express their squeamishness or they will get yelled at.

And then, in time, they get cured.

The cure for squeamishness is Get Over Yourself.

And nothing teaches Get Over Yourself faster than being a parent.

Anyway, if having a baby doesn't cure you of squeamishness, a dog or cat will. If you own a pet, or a pet owns you, you will get up close and personal with poop, peepee, and whatever glop they're hocking up on your rug, bed, or foot.

So what's happening with Ruby is that, as she got older, she developed degenerative myelopathy, a back disorder that paralyzed her hind end. She uses a doggy cart to get around, and she's otherwise happy and healthy. The vet told me the odds were that she would not become incontinent.

Proof that you should not take me to a casino.

Especially if you're going to play craps.

Because I've been knee-deep in the stuff, cleaning up when Ruby poops and pees on rugs, floors, and even her doggy cart.

What's a mother to do?

I tried to anticipate when she would go to the bathroom, and I put her outside in the backyard at those times, but that didn't work. A dog's poop schedule is as predictable as a presidential primary election.

Not that these two things are related.

End of political discussion.

I went to the pet store and got special diapers they make for dogs, but the small-dog-size diaper was too small. Corgis may have short legs, but they're bootylicious.

I returned to the store and got the bigger size, and though it fit her butt, it was too big to use with her cart.

Ruby is the Goldilocks of paralyzed dogs.

Also, the tape strips on the doggy diapers weren't very adhesive. It may have been strong enough for a Chihuahua, but for a corgi, you need duct-tape.

Don't think I didn't try that.

You haven't lived until you've duct-taped a diaper on a dog.

The problem was that she required three diaper changes a day, necessitating a new duct-taping every time, and you may recall that I have a full-time job.

Those books you should be reading aren't going to write themselves.

So then I decided to try regular baby diapers, but before I went to the store, I went online to the Pampers website to get an idea for sizing. The webpage said, "Need help finding your baby's size? Tell us his age, size, and weight!"

Unfortunately, there was no setting for a 12-year-old handicapped corgi.

I couldn't even understand from the website which sizes the Pampers came in, except that there were flashy new lines named Cruiser and Swaddler.

I was looking for Pooper.

But they didn't have them, either.

So I went to the store, where, long story short, I gave up on the Pampers altogether and went for the Depends because they didn't have any tape and seemed like they'd fit Ruby better.

I bought them in the self-checkout.

I didn't want to hear myself say to a cashier, "They're not for me, they're for my dog."

Then I took them home and put them on her, easy as pie.

Did they work?

It depends.

So far, so good.

But don't call them diapers, call them adult underwear.

Or adult dog underwear.

And they have Fit-Flex, so they "move with you" - or your corgi.

They're a "neutral peach color," which matches Ruby's fur.

And they fit in her doggy cart.

So we're rolling.

Problem solved.

And whatever adult underwear is left over, I know I'll use myself.

Someday.

Or when I sneeze.

Look for Lisa's new emotional thriller, "Most Wanted" in stores now. Also look for Lisa and Francesca's new humor collection, "I've Got Sand In All the Wrong Places," coming July 12, and Lisa's new Rosato & DiNunzio novel, "Damaged" coming Aug. 16.

lisa@scottoline.com.