Chick Wit: Have dogs, will rent

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Author Lisa Scottoline. (April Narby)

Happiness is a warm puppy.

I didn't make that up.

I just believed it, and somehow I ended up with five dogs.

Which stopped being puppies way too fast.

Although they still leave the occasional present on the rug.

I've learned that housebroken is a misnomer.

Your dogs don't end up broken for the house.

Your house ends up broken for the dogs.

Or at best, the house starts to smell, more and more each year, but after a while, you stop noticing. People entering your home for the first time will ask, Is something dying in here?

And you will answer, Yes.

I am.

Anyway, I bring this up because I've read that there's a new company in Brooklyn that will rent you puppies for parties.

The cost is a few hundred dollars.

Which proves there's a chew toy born every minute.

The company's specialty is renting you puppies for your child's birthday party.

Which makes perfect sense, because we all know children love puppies.

For 30 seconds.

The company also rents puppies for a Student Stress-Relief Puppy Party, a Sweet 16 Puppy Party, and a Corporate Puppy Party.

For corporate puppies.

You could also have a Quinceañera Puppy Party, at which you can teach your puppy to sit, stay, and pronounce quinceañera.

Good luck.

The company is not called Party Poopers.

But it should be.

Anyway, I think this is an excellent idea.

In fact, I want to get in on the fun.

And the money.

For a small fee, I will happily rent you my dogs. I will drop them off at your house for an hour. They will bring presents and leave them on the rug.

They will break your house for you.

OK, I take that back.

I will pay you to take my dogs for a few hours.

You name the price.

In a related story, I read there's a company in California that will rent you reptiles for your party. Some of the reptiles included are snakes, iguanas, turtles, monitors, frogs, toads, bugs, and lizards.

If this sounds like a plague that you pay for, it might be.

I don't want a reptile in my house.

It reminds me too much of my second marriage.

I didn't need a divorce lawyer.

I needed an exterminator.

Also a fumigator.

And an exorcist.

Pet rental must be a thing, because I read there are restaurants popping up in California, called Dog and Cat Cafes, where you can eat a meal among dogs and cats.

I live in the dog and cat cafe.

But I never get to leave.

I think these companies are on to something.

And I was imagining things I could rent out for parties and make some dough.

For example, most of the women I know are middle-aged, which is the new term for 60-year-olds.

Have you heard that 70 is the new 20?

Take it from me, it is.

Or it will be until I turn 70, when 80 will be the new 20.

However, not all of us are ready to be grandmothers, and not all of our children are ready to be parents.

So what's the answer?

I might start renting out babies for parties.

I could just drop off a bunch of babies at your house and you could kiss and hug them for a few hours.

They could leave you presents, too.

Post-Menopausal Parties!

Bring your own eggs!

We could make Estrogen Replacementinis!

No?

OK, instead I could rent out a bunch of handymen for your party. I could drop off a carpenter, an electrician, a painter, and a plumber at your house and pick them up an hour later.

Now we're talking.

Honestly, as between a handyman and a baby, every woman I know would take the handyman.

And we're all mothers.

In fact, as between a handyman and a male stripper, every woman I know would take the handyman.

That's why I think it's so funny when male strippers dress up like handymen.

They think we're fantasizing about sex.

We're really fantasizing about a new bookshelf.

And a house where everything that's broken gets fixed.

Even the dogs.

Look for Lisa and Francesca's latest humor collection, "Does This Beach Make Me Look Fat?" Also, look for Lisa's newest novel, "Every Fifteen Minutes."

lisa@scottoline.com.