Thursday, September 18, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

Chick Wit: How they elect to have fun in Nev.

Brothel owner Lance Gilman, seen in 2007, was elected as a Storey County commissioner in November with a whopping 62 percent of the vote.
Brothel owner Lance Gilman, seen in 2007, was elected as a Storey County commissioner in November with a whopping 62 percent of the vote.

The good news is that somebody's having fun during the holidays.

The bad news is that it's not exactly under the tree.

It's in the brothels.

Love is all around.

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  • Or to be accurate, in Nevada, where prostitution is legal.

    I say this because I just read a newspaper story that the owner of the Mustang Ranch, a brothel near Reno, has been elected to his County Board of Commissioners.

    I have no problem with this. I think he's perfectly qualified to be a politician.

    I hope he runs for national office. We need more brothel owners in Congress. At least they'd know how to run the House.

    By way of background, you might be interested to know who sold the Mustang Ranch to its current owner.

    The federal government.

    The government had seized it from its former owner because he didn't pay his taxes. Because our government is perfectly fine not only with taxing the income from brothels, but buying and selling brothels.

    Uncle Sam be a pimp.

    In any event, I'm relieved that, despite the recession, people are still able to buy the necessities.

    Evidently, not everybody is tightening his belt.

    On the contrary.

    And this could be good news for the real estate market, too. It may be tough to sell a three-bedroom, but if you have a twenty-seven bedroom, you're in luck.

    They used to say that the kitchen and the bathrooms sold the house. They were wrong.

    In the newspaper story, there was a photo of the Mustang Ranch, and a fair number of the bedrooms had silver poles. I'm guessing this was for fire emergencies.

    By the way, there are no mustangs at the Mustang Ranch.

    No self-respecting mustang would be caught dead at the Mustang Ranch. A mustang can get a date without cash.

    You know why?

    Have you ever seen a mustang?

    To be honest, I haven't either, but I have a pony and an imagination.

    Enough said.

    Truth to tell, it's probably just marketing to call it the Mustang Ranch. Because there's no sizzle to Middle-Manager Ranch.

    In fact, I bet it's not even a real ranch. You shouldn't be able to call it a ranch if the only things that get tied up are the people.

    Cattle everywhere should protest.

    It's false advertising.

    But to stay on point, the reason the brothel owner was elected commissioner was because business is booming at the Mustang Ranch, and he has become an economic force in the county.

    Wow. I'm proud that America has some growth industries.

    I was also happy to learn from the article that there's a Nevada Brothel Owners Association. I'm just wondering where they go for their convention.

    The library?

    And believe it or not, the association has a lobbyist, because in our system of government, even the pimps need pimps.

    Interestingly, this news story came on the heels of the election, in which two states legalized small amounts of marijuana for recreational use, taking a cue from California and New Jersey, which have legalized medical marijuana.

    Another step in the right direction.

    Who says we can't do anything about health care?

    And so many people suffer from joint problems. Now they can fix it with joints.

    Why see a doctor when you can see Dr. Feelgood?

    Plus, health care is so expensive. Why see your money go up in smoke when you can just smoke up?

    Plus, it's the holidays, when everyone is supposed to have fun, relax, and eat too much.

    Tailor-made for the ganja.

    I have no problem with this, either. After all, I drink margaritas for medicinal purposes.

    What ails me? After a drink or two, I forget.

    I'm cured.

    It's a miracle!

    A Christmas miracle.

    Happy holidays!

     


    Look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Serritella's new collection of humor essays, "Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim," in stores now. Also, look for Lisa's most recent novel, "Come Home." You can write to Lisa at lisa@scottoline.com.

    Lisa Scottoline Inquirer Columnist
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