How many people can say this?
I don't belong to a gym, but my dog does.
You may remember that Little Tony had shoulder surgery, and now his vet has prescribed rehab for him, or physical therapy.
I had no idea they had physical therapy for dogs, much less that I would open my wallet to pay for it, but I always find the dough for my pets.
I take it out of their clothes budget.
I know I'm not alone, in that I'd spend money on my dog that I wouldn't spend on myself.
Call me crazy.
My only other choice would be that Little Tony limps the rest of his life, and I couldn't take the guilt.
Also how would he get back to the NBA?
So my dog works out, twice a week. He just had his first session, where he was evaluated and walked on an underwater treadmill. Lucky for me, he didn't need the massage, laser therapy, or acupuncture. The gym also offers a shampoo and blow-dry, but I didn't get one.
I mean, he didn't.
And on the days he doesn't go to his gym, Little Tony is supposed to work out at home. The gym gave me a list of 15 exercises that target his "Hindlimbs, Forelimbs, and Core."
Evidently the core is a trouble spot for dogs, too. I'm guessing that sit-ups would improve Little Tony's core, but he doesn't even sit.
Maybe he can just cut out the pizza.
Then he could be Littler Tony.
The exercises for his core also include Cookie Stretches, in which the dog stretches forward to reach a cookie.
I can do those.
I also do Chocolate Cake Stretches.
I'm so fit!
You can imagine how well our first at-home exercise session goes, with push-ups. In case you were wondering, a doggy push-up is accomplished thusly: "Ask pet to go from the laying position into a sit position and back to the laying position. Ask for 4-6 reps, 2-3x a day, 3-5 days a week."
I asked Little Tony, but he didn't answer.
Then I figured the way to get him to do his first push-up was to bribe him with treats, but all he did was lunge for the treats for five reps.
Pushing-up or down was not involved. Only whimpering and whining, which do nothing to strengthen your core.
I should know.
So we moved on to Side Crunches, which is allegedly accomplished like this: "Put a treat on pet's shoulder, hip, and hock, to allow stretching in the neck and back."
First problem, I don't know what a hock is, but no worries, I got my hands full with hips and shoulders. I put the treat on Little Tony's back, but it slides off, whereupon he whips around and gobbles it off the floor.
The only thing that crunches are the treats.
Then I try to hold it on his back, but he keeps moving, turning around in a circle so he doesn't have to do the crunch.
Who can blame him? Not me.
We try Wheel Barrow, in which I'm supposed to "lift pet's legs and ask pet to move forwards, backwards, and sideways in this position."
I pick up Little Tony's back legs and wheel-barrow him around the kitchen, whereupon he moves forwards, backwards, and sideways - all at the same time.
Until he gets free and runs away.
For five reps.
You get the idea. We struggle through Weight Shifting, Snoopies, and Stair-Lovin', which is when we learn that Little Tony doesn't love stairs.
Five exercises later, I gain a new respect for Little Tony's native intelligence, and I am puffing and panting.
So one of us got plenty of exercise.
Look for Lisa and Francesca's new collection of humor essays, "Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim," in stores now. Also, look for Lisa's most recent novel, "Come Home." You can write to Lisa at firstname.lastname@example.org.