Chick Wit: Men, we'll pass on the crotch shots

I feel sorry for these men who are taking cellphone pictures of their privates and e-mailing them to women.

Say cheesy.

Some of these guys are taking the photos in their underwear, and some go commando, showing their sheaths unsheathed.

Yikes.

It started with a quarterback and spread to a politician, and now I'm kicking myself. If I had said something earlier, all of this foolishness could have been prevented. Faces could have been saved.

Not to mention, well, you know what else.

Somebody has to speak up, and it might as well be me.

The problem isn't that men are taking these pictures, or even that they're sending them to women they want to seduce. The problem is that these guys aren't going to get from Point A to Point B this way.

They need to keep their points to themselves.

(Sorry.)

Why? Gentlemen, take it from me, and I'm speaking for my entire gender:

No woman thinks this is your best feature.

Keep it in your pants.

We're not seduced by photos of your junk.

Call 1-800-GOT-JUNK.

They're called privates for a reason.

If we loved the way they look, they'd be called shoes.

Ladies, am I right or am I right? I know I'm going out on a limb. You can say you don't agree, especially if your husband or boyfriend asks, or is watching you read this. I get that. You love the guy. But get real. This is just between us, and we're talking turkey.

In fact, even a turkey is better-looking, and have you ever seen a turkey?

I know.

I'm betting my ovaries that we're all on the same page. These photos don't drive us wild. We've all been to the zoo, and nobody's turned on in the monkey house.

Except the monkeys.

I read in a scientific study that women aren't as visual as men when it comes to sexual arousal, but I don't think that's true. Maybe the women in the study weren't shown the right visual. Or maybe the scientists didn't show the visual to the right women.

Like me.

A cellphone photo of occupied tightie-whities doesn't do it for me, but I'd sit up and pay attention if a man sent me a photo of his abs, his shoulders, or his chocolate cake.

Break me off a piece of that.

And I admit, I enjoy the Bowflex commercials.

Oh, yes.

The last Bowflex commercial I saw said that the machine uses "resistance technology." It sure does. And I can't resist.

When those arms curl, so do my toes.

Bowflex is the one commercial I don't fast-forward through. But I don't replay them. That would be pervy.

And women can also get turned on by the way a man looks, in general. We all know how I feel about George Clooney, and it ain't because of his brain.

So much for that women-don't-like-visuals theory. We're not blind, people.

And there are plenty of women who get turned on by less conventionally sexy body parts. Patrick Dempsey got called McDreamy because of his wavy hair. Jude Law built a career on his blue eyes. I myself have the hots for Mario Batali because he's chubby. It proves he can cook great food.

For me.

But visuals are a tricky business, and evidently it can't be left to quarterbacks and congressmen to decide which cellphone photos to send. If men are trying to get a woman interested, they should forget the picture-taking and use the cellphone the way God intended.

Call us.

And talk.

Say words.

Which words?

Tell us we're beautiful. Say that you're thinking of us. Offer to paint our house.

Or if a man is too shy to call, he should text something. I'd be totally turned on by a text that read:

SEE YOU TOMORROW TO TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH.

Yowsa.

 


Lisa and Francesca's essays have been published in "My Nest Isn't Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space" and "Why My Third Husband Will Be a Dog." Lisa's new novel, "Save Me," is on sale now. Visit Lisa at www.scottoline.com.