Karen Heller: Shining a light on less fancy shenanigans

On the surface, the Mummers appear to almost have it all: sequins, feathers, banjos, lipstick, beer, and full reign of Broad Street on a holiday to call their own.

The one thing they seemed to be lacking was sex.

Not anymore.

The now fittingly named Downtowners Fancy Brigade clubhouse, raided Tuesday, was home to a monthly pay-to-get-laid orgy - though fancy had little to do with the festivities.

Get thee to a mummery.

On the second Tuesday of the month, for a 30-buck cover, men were treated to one beer, hoagies and chips, a cash bar, and sex menu. Scantily clad or naked women charged $30 to $100 for a smorgasbord of carnal acts, police said, often performed in full view so that patrons might look over more than a four-leaf clover, the voyeurism apparently gratis.

You have to admire the accountant-like efficiency of an outfit that stages sex parties every second Tuesday - not third, never first - at the Downtowners' modest golden-brick clubhouse on Snyder near Two Street, the Mummers' Promised Land.

Or, as one wag noted, Ho, Dem Golden Slippers.

Actually, there were many comments of the heretofore unexplored Mummer-strumpet variety, only .006 percent of which can be published here.

Images on the Downtowners Web page, before the site was taken down Wednesday, reveal a clubhouse that, despite claims of being "a first class facility," appears to have all the charm of an interstate Motel 6.

Then again, charm wasn't part of the bargain, either.

The Downtowners Fancy steward and financial secretary were arrested on liquor violation charges. Only one of the 50 or more other men found frolicking on the premises was a club member. No male guests were charged. There wasn't enough evidence, police said, despite sex acts performed in plain view - demonstrating that, when it comes to hooking, male customers pay but female providers pay more dearly.

Mug shots of the 10 women arrested on prostitution charges display an impressive racial and ethnic diversity of skankitude, though deplorable hair care. The women range in age from 24 to 51.

Let us pause to consider this: 51.

An alleged harlot eligible for AARP.

As for the clubhouse sexcapades, Mummers were bummed. They were not smiling, expressing indignation that their glittery good name was being slimed by a few sometimes feathery men. Downtowners is a venerable club, founded in 1959, winning nine first finishes in 20 years. The late founder Bill Isaacs Sr., revered as "the Legend," basically invented the fancy brigade in 1963, building a showboat around an old Packard.

"They are making every Mummer in the four divisions look bad," Golden Crown's Tommy Barker told the Daily News. "They're an embarrassment." Then again, neighbor Jimmy Fiocca Jr. said to The Inquirer, "I heard they had strippers with their card games. But it was by invitation only. And I never thought there were prostitutes. No one thought that."

Possibly, but I don't think they're looking at this the right way.

For all their peacockery, Mummers - as I noted before - were missing sex in the equation. Second and Snyder was never anyone's idea of a hotbed of sensuality, though it is a parasol's throw from the divine John's Roast Pork. Now, it's a potential landmark.

The Mummers are comic but not carnal, fancy but not frisky. They gave us wenches but not harlots, string bands but not G-strings.

I could go one. I won't go on. But, clearly, the opportunities are limitless.

The Mummers were never big on surprises, tending to be predictable even in their over-the-top, Liberace-like New Year's Day bacchanalia.

Also, given that Mayor Nutter once yanked the Mummers' funding due to strained city finances, these guys look downright creative in their fund-raising initiatives, though Downtowners officials - who have been positively mum since the bust - said any rental proceeds from the Tuesdays on Two Street Sexual Club would be donated to charity. (Sluts for tots?)

As men who never seemed afraid, or embarrassed, about anything, who promenade down Broad in full drag, don't let this moment drag the Downtowners down. Frankly, this is an opportunity to turn tarts into Mummers' aid.