SOMETHING'S wrong with my Woman Card.
Maybe it got demagnetized in my big ol' lady purse. Or, maybe I used up all my points. It's possible I forgot to pay the bill. You know how forgetful my gender can be . . . smiley face.
I'm just saying - the way Donald Trump talked about the Woman Card that Hillary Clinton is using to get a free ride into the White House, I figured it would at least get me a few modest perks.
And yet, it didn't even get me a discount at my local coffee shop or drugstore - even though I was buying all kinds of women things, including tissues to soak up my girl tears and gum to keep my mouth from talking too much or too loudly.
Apparently, Trump also doesn't think women should shout either.
And I'm stumped at how Clinton is going to ride the Woman Card into the presidency when I couldn't even ride SEPTA with mine. Apologies to the lovely conductor whose head looked like it was going to explode when I handed him my hand-made card. I was just trying to prove a point.
And the point is that Candidate Trump has out-delusioned even himself if he really believes that women - slightly more than half the population - love him.
We don't. I don't.
Recent polls showed that a whopping 70 percent of women voters overall have a negative view of him. On Tuesday, Clinton received a higher percentage of the vote among female Democrats than Trump received among female Republicans.
Dear Trump, women made up 53 percent of the electorate four years ago. You may want to check your sexist Man Card at the door before November. And in case anyone is thinking I'm suggesting they vote for Hillary based on her gender, I'm not. There are plenty of reasons to vote for - or not vote for - besides her gender. But to suggest she's getting some advantage because she's a woman is pure B.S. Don't fret boys; male privilege is still alive and well. Stand down.
Even the first lady of New Jersey, Mary Pat Christie, who was standing behind Trump when he made the comment during his victory speech in New York, had trouble not showing her hand. Was it an eye-roll? Was it side-eye? Whatever it was, many women who turned to social media to express their disgust shared the feeling.
I asked women on Twitter how they planned to use their Woman Card, now that we know we have it - Thanks Trump! Maybe we could use it to demand equal pay, I wondered, or increased access to health care. Or, manicured fingers crossed, can we redeem it to stop men from making decisions on behalf of our bodies, or mansplaining and/or manspreading? Can we stop the bro-promoting - I may have made that term up, but the practice is widespread - that keeps women from top positions in almost every sector?
Women had fun with it.
How does this #womancard work? If I laminate it & wear it on a lanyard do I have to make a wish on it or does success happen automagically?
— Melhi (@Melhi) April 27, 2016
On Facebook, one woman said: "I'd use my #womancard to exchange my 'monthly gift' for something I'd actually prefer. Maybe a toaster or the right to my own body."
Taking advantage of my #womancard and enjoying a lower salary, unpaid maternity leave, and being told to smile more at creepy men. Wheeeee!!
— Jessica A (@liberalmommy2) April 27, 2016
— MyLittleGarrone (@MyLittleGarrone) April 27, 2016
It would be hilarious, if it didn't come from a place we women know all too well.
The place where it's 2016 and we are still paid less than men. Where we're still celebrating women firsts - or not. Pennsylvania has never had a female governor, Philly has never had a female mayor . . . but hey, the city just recently got its first female prisons chief . . . so, that's a start.
As Issie Lapowsky said in her excellent Wired piece where she attempted to explain sexism to Trump: "In basically every country on Earth, women are far less likely than men to hold CEO positions, serve in government, serve on boards, and make the same amount as their male counterparts."
And just to hold my tribe accountable, it's not a pretty or equal picture in journalism either. Women are still underrepresented in newsrooms, both in leadership and bylines.
When I handed my custom Woman Card to the clerk at my local CVS, she looked confused and asked if I had another card.
Come to think of it, I actually do have another one: the Race Card that supposedly also gives people who look like me all kinds of advantages. Bonus!
But darn it, I left it in my other purse.