Giving 'Em Fitz: Preparing for calamities from the Phillies

The Phillies are heading south.

That's not the lead to a spring-training preview. That's the fear that's keeping me up at night.

The rational half of my brain tells me this unparalleled run of Phillies success can't last forever.

Meanwhile, the Philadelphia half of my brain suggests that if a downturn is inevitable, we might as well get it over with as quickly as possible. That way we'll get a jump-start on the next Phillies renaissance. And there's nothing more exciting in baseball than a team on the rise, with the possible exception of Ryan Howard making a throw.

It's not that I want the Phillies to slump. But I know they eventually will. So spare me years of anxiety and get on with it.

Sorry, that's just how I'm built. I'm a Baby Boom Philadelphian, incapable of enjoying sustained success. Even on the sunniest days, I'm scanning the horizon for storm clouds.

I've seen too many landmarks and late-season leads disappear, observed the dismantling of too many preseason dreams and urban-renewal fantasies, watched too many sports heroes and jobs leave town.

So for me, with the 2012 Phillies on the brink of spring training, I don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind is blowing.

If, like me, your 32-ounce Wawa cup is always half-empty, it's not hard to envision a perfect storm of calamities impacting this Phillies season.

Ryan Howard's Achilles. Chase Utley's decline. Placido Polanco's back. Joe Blanton's elbow. Cole Hamels' contract. Vance Worley's sophomore season. Jonathan Papelbon's fly ball penchant. The holes in John Mayberry Jr.'s swing. And, maybe most significantly, the team's age.

Plenty of clouds on that Doppler radar in my head.

I realize that not everyone here shares my inherent pessimism. Five straight NL East titles, two pennants and a World Series trophy have created a new breed of upbeat Phillies fan.

That's just not me.

My theory is, if you don't wear your heart on your sleeve, the world won't know when it's broken.

But if you hold back, if you maintain an emotional distance, you can internalize - or at least rationalize - any Phillies-related disappointment.

In public, I can say, "No big deal. These things happen," even though in private, I'll be seeking therapy.

Call that negativity, if you will. I call it common sense.

Now don't get me wrong, this Phillies team has enough pitching and overall talent to win 100-plus games again. But until they do, unless they do, I'm going to worry.

"Gronkowski Removes Boot" . . . Blasts Philadelphia Parking Authority.

"New Owner Says He Won't Change Astros Name" . . . Not Now or Ever, Vows Elroy Jetson.

"Griffin's Dunk Trending Big on Twitter" . . . Red Auerbach Turns Over in Grave.

"Giants' Umenyiora A No-Show On Media Day" . . . Suggests Super Bowl Reporters Call His Cell.

Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow canceled a scheduled appearance next month at a rally organized by controversial Christian televangelist Rod Parsley.

Parsley last year asked viewers to send him $1 million to ward off "satanic attacks" and in 2008 was disavowed by Republican presidential candidate John McCain when Parsley called Islam an "anti-Christ" religion.

Tebow warned Parsley that if he didn't knock it off he would turn him into a pillar of salt and cast him into the eternal hellfires.

1. When did they get to be celebrity golf coaches?

2. Why do the best golfers in the world rely on advice from those who carry other people's bags for a living?

3. Do they really deserve cuts of 10 percent and higher for estimating distances that a free iPhone app can determine?

4. Do they really have to use plural pronouns when referring to their employer's performance? "We wanted a 6-iron for our approach to 16. But we disagreed with us and wanted a 7. So we told us that if we missed the green we would kick our butt."

5. Is there any other profession where you can earn a couple of hundred thousand dollars for a weekend's work in your shorts?