Morning Bytes | Getting down to cases with the Phillies

Since Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito is a rabid Phillies fan, perhaps it will now be possible to get a legal review of some of the pending cases involving his favorite baseball team:

Fans of Philadelphia v. Gillick: A classic restraint-of-trade case. While fans have been begging Pat Gillick to trade for a competent reliever, the GM has been ridiculously restrained.

: A classic restraint-of-trade case. While fans have been begging Pat Gillick to trade for a competent reliever, the GM has been ridiculously restrained.

Status: Appeals continue.

Logic v. Manuel: The defendant did recklessly and with willful disregard for safety conspire to blow out his closer's arm. Twice in a week, the manager brought Brett Myers into non-save situations. Shockingly, Myers, who exerts so much energy on every throw he resembles some Iowa rube testing a county-fair radar gun, finally hurt himself.

Status: Motion to dismiss pending.

Statistics v. Helms: Employment and just-cause issues are at stake here. For example, why do the Phils continue to employ Wes Helms? And isn't there sufficient just cause to unload him? Helms' only asset is his power, yet, a quarter of the way through the season, he's yet to show any despite playing in a ballpark that is as homer-friendly as Marge Simpson.

Status: Motion for a retrial.

People v. Rosario, Condrey, Hernandez et al.: Who? This is a class-action suit, though the bulk of the Phils' bullpen has little discernible class and sees no action.

Status: A writ of habeas corpus is being sought to determine the legality of their lengthy bullpen imprisonment.

Baseball fundamentals v. Phillies' bunting: Gross negligence. The guys with speed don't bunt, and the pitchers who can't bunt do. A preponderance of the evidence suggests a reversal is in order.

Status: Penalty phase needed.

Barajas v. Home-Plate Collisions: A protection order may be required to force the Phils catcher to perform his duties as guardian by remaining near the plate during plays there. He regularly grants opponents easements and visitation rights. Claims the assumption of risk is not in his contract. One more Olé! tag and he may need a change of venue.

Status: Right to bail denied.

Rollins v. high fastballs: The Phils shortstop needs to heed the Miranda Warning: Willy Miranda liked high fastballs, too. He hit .159 for the '59 Orioles. Rollins' penchant for the impossible pitch is both a liability and an encumbrance to his stardom.

Status: Pleadings are ongoing.

Actual headline from a recent wire-service story, and one that requires no further comment:

"Earnhardt Fined for Illegal Mounting."

For all those who believe the Portland Trail Blazers just lottery-picked their way to a basketball dynasty, recall these infamous words, now 23 years old:

"With the No. 2 pick in the 1984 NBA draft, the Portland Trail Blazers select . . . Sam Bowie."

Thanks to an angry Joe Paterno, Penn State's football players not only will clean Beaver Stadium this fall, they also will scour the hot-dog grills with an abrasive, non-alkaline detergent, stack the folding chairs neatly in the garage, and turn out the lights before they leave.

Michael Vick apparently has stopped the dogfighting in his Virginia mansion. However, the Falcons QB has invited friends down this weekend to watch Joey Porter and Bill Romanowski go at it in his basement.

This just in: 17-year-old Michelle Wie has been granted a sponsor's exemption to compete in this weekend's Indianapolis 500.

The 2007 U.S. Open will be held next month at Oakmont Country Club, marking the first summer since the early '90s that professional athletes will have performed in the Pittsburgh area.