At least we used to receive a gold watch when we retired. These days it's: "25 years and all I got was a lousy sheet cake?"
Elisabeth Hasselbeck got just that kind of rude dismissal from The View this week.
Mother Superior Barbara Walters opened Wednesday's show saying, "It was reported last night that our Elisabeth Hasselbeck is leaving us to join the Fox network. As you can see, I'm a little teary, but I always want what's best for you: You know how I feel about you. And I'm happy that you're going. No! I'm not happy that you're going! I'm happy that it's good for you - you tell us about it!"
That's a remarkable statement. First of all, it was precipitously announced just hours before the show started that this would be Hasselbeck's last appearance. The abruptness is perilously close to "Clean out your makeup suite. Security will escort you to the lobby."
Second, Barbara casually misidentified Hasselbeck's new employer. It's actually the Fox News Channel, a distinct entity, where she will work on Fox & Friends alongside Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade, the Mutt and Jeff of morning television.
And could you possibly get more ambiguous than "You know how I feel about you"? There are a couple of ways to take that, including "But I'm too much of a lady to say it on the air."
Really, the only thing Walters stated unequivocally is: "I'm happy that you're going."
At least Joy Behar recognized the political orientation of Hasselbeck's new home - in the process making the week's first reference to Sharknado - joking, "Fox, gee, won't you be a fish out of water there?"
The real shocker came at the end of the program, when Behar more than insinuated that Walters had always had Sapphic designs on Hasselbeck.
"Barbara, you know I was just thinking, you know how you wear two hats - one as a journalist, the other as a lesbian?" ventured Behar.
Walters spluttered, "What?"
"You have been attracted to Elisabeth, lookin' at her body for 10 years," continued Behar, before speculating about what panel member would become her lover now.
Walters, who admits to being 83, replied, "Whose tush am I gonna push?"
The show must go on! Despite some ugly racist comments made by contestants, Big Brother conducted business as usual this week. Neither Aaryn nor GinaMarie was sanctioned by CBS for their racist and homophobic slurs. Why would the network take a stand? Ratings for Big Brother have exploded since the controversy began.
During the broadcast, when Amanda suggested to Aaryn that her bigotry was making the other houseguests uncomfortable, Aaryn presented a novel defense.
"They call me Barbie and say all sorts of [stuff] about me being blond all the time," she screamed. "So what's the difference?"
I feel your pain, Aaryn. I'm sick of people labeling me Adonis.
The dome is falling. CBS is delighted with its Stephen King adaptation Under the Dome, the network's most successful summer rollout since, well, Big Brother in 2000.
But in two successive airings, Under the Dome has shed nearly 20 percent of its viewers. And I'm willing to bet that after last week's stultifying episode, the numbers will drop another 20 percent for Sunday's installment.
The ratings will be in Tuesday. If the show registers more than 8 million and change, I'll eat the horrormeister's collected works.
Don't touch that DVR! The week's funniest dialogue came in the second episode of Orange Is the New Black on Netflix. Piper (Taylor Schilling), who has just begun serving a federal prison sentence, finagles a phone call with her fiance Larry (Jason Biggs).
Hearing something in the background on his end, she says angrily, "Tell me that you're not watching Mad Men."
"What?" he asks.
"Promise me you're not watching Mad Men without me. That when I get out of here, we're gonna binge-watch it together."