Dave on Demand: 'Jersey Shore' crew bids arrivederci to Italy

And so the great cultural experiment draws to a close. In this week's fourth-season finale, the dim denizens of Jersey Shore ended their long exile in Florence.

So what did we, the viewers, learn? (Pauly D and the gang clearly learned nothing.)

For one thing, that Italy was an inspired destination. If any world leader can endorse the "gym, tan, laundry" lifestyle, it's Italy's prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi. Although I believe he refers to it as palestra, abbronzatura, lavanderia.

I think we can also agree that classy is the same in any language. If you haven't got it here, you won't suddenly acquire it 4,000 miles away.

Certain aspects of their Italian experience clearly flummoxed the guys. In their nightly club-prowling, they had no success in hooking up with Italian girls.

It was as if all the natives could see were loud, uncouth, drunk morons. Unlike their more sophisticated American counterparts, Italian ladies haven't yet realized that cameras are the greatest aphrodisiac.

The only two cast members who seemed to be enjoying the old country were Snooki and Deena. And that's because they spent most of the trip in a happy alcoholic stupor. Near the end of the season, the pair began referring to themselves as "the Meatballs." (I smell spin-off!)

The best part of the finale was the breathtaking look at the city's treasures that our goodwill ambassadors put off until their last day in country.

As Vinny told the tour company in making the arrangements, "We've been here a long time and we haven't seen [pause] anything."

He then relayed the tour arranger's questions to his paisans: "What do you like better: art or history?"

That was greeted with some of the most befuddled looks ever recorded. Imagine someone in a pickup pulling up to the takeout window at a Burger King and being asked, "Would you like the foie gras or the cassoulet?" That's the face. Right there.

So they set out to see the sights. The girls were impressed with Michelangelo's David sculpture. "Ooh, look at that butt," Deena purred. They found the anterior view disappointing. But someone (maybe JWoww?) allowed that she might throw him a mercy smush anyway. Now that's art appreciation.

The guide then took them inside a church and showed them a ceiling fresco, pointing out Cupid with another cherub.

"So they're real?" asked Snooki. Though fluent in English, the guide was bewildered. Snooki clarified: "The babies with wings. They're real?" And we're walking . . . .

All this art and history wore our exchange students out. They were visibly and audibly relieved when the vans showed up to take them to the airport for the trip home.

The Duomo is nice and all, but we'll take the boardwalk any day. I think Leonardo da Vinci said that.

Jazz age? While I think the second season of Boardwalk Empire is an improvement so far, I'm still finding it hard to buy into its attempt at Prohibition-era verisimilitude.

Not when every episode begins with Nucky (Steve Buscemi) standing on the Atlantic City beach while psychedelic guitar riffs blare away.

I know the song is '90s vintage Brian Jonestown Massacre, but it sounds like Quicksilver Messenger Service or some other acid-washed group from the '60s.

So tell me, Boardwalk Empire, what's wrong with Bessie Smith anyway?

What's my line? Saturday Night Live has had some pretty sketchy ensemble members over its 37 seasons, but seriously, has anyone been worse than Vanessa Bayer?

This week, she conducted a mock Republican candidates' debate, transparently reading off cue cards the whole time, not looking into the camera, stumbling over words, and missing the punch lines. It was like she was seeing the skit for the first time. Off poster boards that had been left out in the rain.

Later, she was teamed with Abby Elliott and the two of them never established eye contact, staring and shouting over each other's heads during the entire routine as they read their lines. Do they not get to rehearse? How about a quick read-through before they go on the air?

Bayer was brought on a couple of years ago for her Miley Cyrus impersonation. Somehow that doesn't seem like a useful skill these days.