He promised to plan the big wedding he insisted on
Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: My fiancé wanted a large wedding with all his friends and family, and I wanted to elope. I agreed to have the large wedding because it was so important to him (the words devastating to my family were used quite a bit) on the condition that he would handle at least 90 percent of the tasks involved. I have a very demanding job, and I just don't have the time.
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Question: My fiancé wanted a large wedding with all his friends and family, and I wanted to elope. I agreed to have the large wedding because it was so important to him (the words devastating to my family were used quite a bit) on the condition that he would handle at least 90 percent of the tasks involved. I have a very demanding job, and I just don't have the time.
It's now three months to the wedding, and he has barely done anything, despite the fact that I've reminded him several times. Now, I'm feeling resentful and stressed, because it looks like, in the end, I'm going to have to do everything.
And before you say "Talk to him," I have, several times. This results in his googling wedding bands for 10 minutes, and nothing more.
What should I do now? Say, "Finish the invites by the deadline given, or eloping is the only option"? What does it say about our relationship that he's pushed me to that point?
Answer: It says something very important that you need to listen to. Now, not after you're married.
Look at what you just spelled out: He emotionally blackmailed you into the foofy wedding - "devastating to my family," seriously? - and now is playing deadline chicken to get you to do all the work.
What are the chances that behavior stops here and won't instead mutate into a way for him to whine you into buying a bigger house and then blow off packing for the move? Or to take on a business venture and not show for the hard work after earnings from your "very demanding job" are already sunk into it? Or guilt you into spending holidays with his family only to skulk off to watch football while you're pressed to help cook?
Even if you can't see any of these happening, you also can't, for your own sanity's sake, ignore a flashing alert that he isn't good to his word. It's a character issue, not a planning issue. Call him on it and take on the consequences, to include calling off the wedding if necessary. It'll hurt less now than when you're more deeply invested.
Comment: The single most effective thing you can do right now is do no wedding work whatsoever. If he also does nothing, the big wedding won't happen, and then you two can either elope or not, depending on what you decide this means for the relationship. Either way, it's informative for both of you.
Comment: He may not be intentionally backing his fiancée into rescuing him; he may be feeling overwhelmed by what he has bitten off and is dealing poorly with it. I would have done that if I'd been on my own with throwing a wedding.
If she doesn't want to marry someone who does that, that's fine, but I don't think he's necessarily being intentionally manipulative.
Reply: True. But as the frustrated bride continues to speak up about the problem only to be ignored, the "unintentional" argument gets progressively harder to make.
Even if his poor coping skills are unintentional, they still are of huge consequence to his soon-to-be partner in life.
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