In a crisis, some friends step up, and some don't

Question:

I'm hoping you can answer this because you have some experience here. My mom is dealing with an array of medical problems right now. It's very stressful and scary. Several friends know what's up.

I'm noticing, maybe resentfully, that some friends inquire after my mom and others just don't ask. It makes me feel like maybe they aren't real friends, which is a sad realization at a hard time. I can't imagine not inquiring if the shoe were on the other foot.

Do I just write these folks off? Do I say, "Hey! It bugs me you're not asking about my ill mother!" Do I just shrug and assume people are busy? Help.

Answer: All of those are decent answers, depending on what you need and what makes sense for each friend and each friendship.

They're all different, of course; even if you have one defined group of friends, it's still just a collection of individual, and often very different, bonds. With one friend, it might be forgivable that she never asks, while with another, it's a slap in the face.

With that in mind, you could talk it out with this friend, shrug and assume with that friend (though I'd replace busy with awkward or afraid to say the wrong thing), and write off a third - based on who it is vs. how well that person's actions approximate what you'd do in his or her place.

You refer to my experience, so I will, too: I did a little of that sorting myself. Based on our histories, there were some people I counted on more, and that opened me up to feeling much worse about it (and about them) when they didn't come through. There were also friends who no-showed, and it didn't affect my feelings for them. That's just not who they were to me pre-nightmare, so I didn't expect it of them mid-.

I also learned there can be wild cards, people who are just really, really good in a crisis - the ones who will call you almost daily during your hell, even though you heard from them every month or three, if that, during happier times (and who might even go scarce again when it's all over). They're the ones who say just the right thing when you didn't even know what the right thing was until they said it. The ones who understand that the usual laws of friendly give-and-take are temporarily suspended, and ask nothing in return.

They were easily the most instructive people for me during an extremely informative time. Their lesson: Life isn't linear, people aren't linear, and so we do ourselves and others a huge disservice when our expectations are linear. I actually didn't need my best friends to be my best people in a crisis - I just needed what I needed, and having some friends with the crisis skills to provide it was enough. I was lucky to have them.

Weighing the end of valued friendships is anguish you don't need right now, too. My advice is to tilt yourself toward the people you find helpful and comforting today, and leave it at that. If there's any reckoning to be done - something you probably won't even know until this all plays out - it can certainly wait.

tellme@washpost.com. Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.