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Tell Me About It: An introvert, forcing herself to be otherwise

Adapted from a recent online discussion. Question: I'm 34. I usually prefer to spend my free time with my significant other of nine years. I also have a small core of very close friends, and about twice a month, we have dinner/drinks with these friends. I'm an introvert, so I don't like large outings or parties, but will attend a few each year.

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I'm 34. I usually prefer to spend my free time with my significant other of nine years. I also have a small core of very close friends, and about twice a month, we have dinner/drinks with these friends. I'm an introvert, so I don't like large outings or parties, but will attend a few each year.

But that means turning down many event and party invitations. After a couple of these events were canceled due to low interest, I started feeling guilty about saying "no," so I've been going to more out of obligation. I guess I wanted to communicate to less-close friends and acquaintances that I care about them.

That doesn't make the events any more bearable or fun. I find myself wondering why I'm doing things I don't want to do. My thinking is this: People who like to plan and organize group events generally do so because that's just the way they have fun, right? So, even though I prefer to connect with these people in my life in ways that are less stressful to me, I should continue to suck it up and attend some events to support their preferences, right?

Answer: Should is such a loaded word.

Meeting friends halfway is the most basic way to keep friends. Since it's probably safe to assume not everyone would see your first choice (quiet dinner/drinks) as their first choice for socializing, it makes sense that you'd agree to others' first choice sometimes, even if it drains you.

That said, going out of guilt takes it too far. "I want to show this person I care," yes; ". . . or else I will beat myself up for not going"? I don't think your (good) friends would want to be the source of those feelings. Go occasionally to stay in touch, and don't dwell on the issue beyond that.

Question: How can I get away from this idea that I am unlovable until I lose weight? I know I'm nice, do loads of cool stuff, give good e-mail, etc. Yet I won't even flirt or consider boys as possibilities because I need to lose 20 pounds. It feels, logically, ridiculous and sad. I can't shake it. Any help??

Answer: Tuning out the negative internal messages on body image is one of the more difficult emotional challenges people face - and I'm defining difficult as something that's hard to accomplish despite having all the elements in place that we commonly view as necessary: awareness of the problem, commitment to change, sympathy for others in the same position, a logical and multifaceted plan of attack.

My opinion, to get things started: I think the answer is in the "sympathy for others in the same position." You're harder on yourself than others would be on you, no? Certainly you're harder on yourself than you would be on others in your same position.

Cultivating the forgiveness you show others will ultimately help you. I also think it helps to make sure some of that "cool stuff" you do is unabashedly physical, like dancing or biking or building things. Putting your body to work tends to improve your opinion of it significantly.

For readers' thoughts, check out the Hax Philes (http://wapo.st/1u9Czqs) on the topic.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online