Tell Me About It: Helping a 12-year-old grow up

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My daughter just turned 12, and refuses to stay home alone, even for short periods of time. She's never had separation issues, never a problem dropping her off at school or a friend's house. She is a bit of a worrier and says she's afraid someone might try to break into the house. She has also said she doesn't want to grow up, wear a bra, etc. Any suggestions? Give it more time? Am I missing any big red flags?

Answer: There may be more to this, but exploring that is near the end of the series of steps. The early steps are to add to her responsibilities in small increments. Give her more complicated chores, maybe teach her to prepare meals for herself or do her laundry or mend her clothes or take on other jobs that adults routinely do. When you go to the store, tear the list in half and give her a separate cart. Stuff like that. If you already do these things, then find ways in your daily family life to take it up a notch - all of it, presumably, as you're in the home or the vicinity of it. Make grown-up things mundane and do it without the separate stress of her being alone.

As her confidence improves, look for a "home alone" course. A local Y or community center might have one. They're generally for tweens and cover telephone, front door, first aid and emergency practices.

Also consider a Red Cross baby-sitting course, first aid course or something else for kids that teaches concrete skills.

You can use summer camps, too, toward this effort. A sleep-away would be ideal, but if she's not ready, then consider one that's oriented toward skill-building.

If she remains fearful despite patient efforts to build her confidence, then it's time to seek professional guidance in exploring her fears. Her pediatrician or school counselor can likely get you started.

Question: I was the same way growing up. I refused to go to sleep-away camp. My parents indulged me on camp but eventually gave me more responsibility until I was more comfortable staying home alone. Eventually I grew up. I went to college several states away and joined the Peace Corps. Your daughter is going through a phase. Increasing her responsibility and being patient while she adjusts will go a long way toward mitigating this problem.

Answer: Much appreciated.

Question: I was also uneasy about staying home, especially at night - and I was also afraid if I was the last one up and had to turn off the lights. I never verbalized it to my parents but, looking back, it is one of the first instances of increased anxiety, which now requires medication for plane flights.

Answer: Interesting point, thank you.

Regardless of where this 12-year-old's fears are headed, talking about them will help her - so this exchange is a good reminder for parents to say, "I'm glad you told me this," or, "It took courage for you to admit that, thank you," when a child admits to a negative feeling. When appropriate (as in, when it won't sound like one-upping), it can also help to share any similar fears you've faced.