Posted on Tue, Nov. 10, 2009
Question: My husband and I are on the brink of divorcing. We have a 4-year-old, and I'm sick with the thought of messing up his life with something he didn't ask for. Is there any hope for him to grow up into a well-adjusted adult with none of the "issues" from a divorce?
Answer: Not only is it possible, but there are also millions of children of divorce out there who won't appreciate hearing that they're hopelessly burdened with issues.
That population, as it happens, has a message for you: Keep it civil, and keep it stable. No kid wants to be your referee, messenger, or lead negotiator; no kid wants to be your pawn, bargaining chip, or weapon of choice; no kid wants to meet a steady stream of Mommy's or Daddy's new squeezes - and, wow, no kid ever wants to watch from the sidelines as each new squeeze takes priority over him or her.
Home, safe home. That's your new mandate.
Intact families are considered best for kids because they tend to produce stable households. Not all intact marriages produce stable households. Not all stable households are the product of intact marriages.
Presumably you're divorcing because the love is gone or just unhealthy, and you've made the calculation that divorcing is your kid's best chance at growing up in a loving home - right?
So, continue to apply that high standard of a loving home as consistently as your circumstances allow - in everything from your divorce and custody proceedings to building your new life and accepting your ex's new life.
Ultimately, your best chance at raising a well-adjusted child is for you to be well-adjusted. That means breaking down any residual marital anger - get a therapist's help if needed - and putting it to the curb.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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