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Posted on Thu, Oct. 29, 2009


Tell Me About It: New stepmother eager to be a 'third parent'

By Carolyn Hax

Question: My husband's ex just had a baby, making me one of the few stepmothers who get to start from scratch. Because of this rare opportunity, I would like to hope we have a chance at a relationship most stepchildren don't have with their stepparents. I would like the baby to call me "Mom" instead of "Kelly" and to view me as a third parent, not an interloper.

However, the current custody arrangement is tilted severely in the ex's favor, because she is breastfeeding. I think I will lose this special opportunity if we don't get to spend any time with the baby till she's a toddler. Should I urge my husband to petition for split custody?

Answer: What, so you can rip the breast out of the baby's mouth?

If you want to be a "third parent" to this child, then you need to do the one thing that makes you a real parent, versus the grown-up who occupies the same space as the kid: You need to think in terms of what's best for the child.

"What's best for the child" is not black-and-white; maybe stepping back and giving the baby a chance to bond with actual Mom isn't a slam-dunk as the best thing for the baby (because, for one thing, not all mothers are good mothers). But you at least have to consider that it's the best thing - and that attempting to get closer to the baby by antagonizing her mom might be the worst possible thing.

You have to scrutinize any thought you think, any idea you get, and any move you make - you have to scrutinize yourself - for flaws, frailties, selfish motives. If you're unwilling to question whether you're wrong, then there's little chance you'll be right.

I believe this applies universally, but it's particularly true, and the consequences particularly cruel, when there are small children involved.

Once you have stripped your motives of all their protective rationalizations, the next thing you need to do is stop seeing "Get close to Baby" as a zero-sum proposition.

Babies may bond with caregivers, but so do toddlers. Even if you came in a year or two "late" (which you won't), that doesn't relegate you to some second tier of parental value. Make no mistake: You occupy the tier you earn, through your love, your presence and - there it is again - your ability to get over yourself and think in terms of the child's best interests.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

Comments   
Posted 06:18 AM, 10/29/2009
Jame
You are not the baby's mom and you have no right to usurp the honored title of "Mom." You have no right to step on the toes of this woman so recently abandoned by your husband. You can have a significant role in this baby's life, but remember your place and show the child's mother - the woman who gave birth to this baby while your husband was leaving her for you - some respect by accepting her input on what she wants the baby to call you and what role she wants you to play.
Posted 09:07 AM, 10/29/2009
Niko
Something is off in my calculations. Less than a year after your hubby impregnated his ex-wife, he's married to you. Regardless, the baby wasn't carried by you or delivered by you so you need to step back and let the ex do her thing. I do commend that you are willing to love the kid, and for all intensive purposes the ex should be glad that you are loving, but please don't overstep your role.
Posted 10:24 AM, 10/29/2009
steven191
You have to be kidding me, this lady is nuts. The only thing her husband should petition for is to have her committed.
Posted 12:36 PM, 10/29/2009
Elle Dakey
I'm confused: this baby is the letter writer's husband's child? So they broke up while she was pregnant, and he's already remarried to the letter writer?
Posted 02:50 PM, 10/29/2009
bellalala
she seems desperate, you want the baby to call you "mom", that is so selfish, you only have 1 mother...back off
Posted 04:14 PM, 10/29/2009
jimidagreek
I have one piece of advice for the father...run, run far and fast from this whackjob you married. Keep her far way from your child as well.
Posted 04:14 PM, 10/29/2009
jimidagreek
I have one piece of advice for the father...run, run far and fast from this whackjob you married. Keep her far way from your child as well.
Posted 11:27 PM, 10/29/2009
nmalone68
You need to back off, lady. You are not this child's mother. Under no circumstances should this child call "Mom". I can't believe you would think that was reasonable.
Posted 01:03 PM, 10/30/2009
birdswinbaby
whacked out chick...run fast dude
Posted 04:25 PM, 10/30/2009
LISAH
i am a stepmom and have been for over seven years now. Though I love my stepchildren dearly, I cannot make them love me; as this is a choice that they must make if they choose to. To the new stepmom, you are not "mom", but to your stepchild, you will be his/her father's wife. To win the affection of a child, relize who you are that is not "mom." You can be someone special in his/her life, but you cannot impose or force yourself on them as that behavior is a sure thing that they will shrink from having any type of relationship with you.
10 comments
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