Posted on Tue, Oct. 27, 2009
Question: Three years ago, during my senior year of high school, my parents divorced. My dad has quite a bit of money and I was worried that he might get involved with "gold diggers," but I liked his girlfriend, Joan, from the start.
I go to college out of state, so I haven't had many opportunities to get to know Joan. But the other day, my brother told me Joan had, unasked, told my dad, "I just want to go on record that I don't think you should pay for your daughter's law school.."
This isn't her first comment like that. She also thinks it's unconscionable that my dad pays my college tuition.
I don't consider his help something I'm entitled to, and I never expected him to pay for law school anyway. So her assumptions hurt my feelings.
More importantly, I think it's horrible that she would position herself to cause a rift between me and my father, over issues that are none of her business.
I'm going home for a visit soon, and I think I should give my dad a heads-up. What should I say?
Answer: It's not fair to give Joan the hairy eyeball based solely on a verbal hand-me-down. You need to confirm that's what she's saying.
Then, you need to state your objection. Because the significant relationship here is between you and your father, he deserves a chance to correct any inaccuracies in your impression of Joan: "Things that Joan has apparently said have made their way back to me. I'm concerned and would like to know if they're true."
If Dad confirms, then you ask, "How is that her business?" Your dad may well disagree with Joan and agree it isn't her business, therefore assuring your tuition and familial bond. If on the other hand he expresses respect or sympathy for her opinion, then you'll need to make sure your objection is clear - that this is not about money, it's about her inserting herself where she doesn't belong, and about her seeming duplicity in opining behind your back.
E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
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