Posted on Thu, Jul. 2, 2009
Question: My mom is sick and in the hospital. When I first talked to her, she would tell me not to bother coming in if I was busy, not to miss other engagements, etc.
I know she doesn't want me to feel obligated to come. But I knew she would be thrilled if I did, and she was/is. The thing is, if it were me, I'd say the exact same thing to my loved ones. Yet, you secretly hope they will come anyway, on their own initiative.
So I've been wondering if my mom is being dishonest - and if I am, by extension - in not stating what she really wants in times of crisis.
Answer: When somebody asks, "How can I help?", anyone who would be thrilled to have help/visitors/calls should just say so. Trust people to mean what they say.
In turn, you have to mean what you say. Directness is a choice you can start making immediately in supporting your mom, by being open about your needs and wants, encouraging her to be open about hers, and taking copious emotional notes for when "if it were me" is no longer a hypothetical.
E-mail Carolyn Hax at tellme@washpost.com.
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