Posted on Sat, Nov. 14, 2009
Dear Amy: My husband and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my daughter and son-in-law's house. Normally we have a great time there.
My son-in-law's family will mainly be in attendance. My brother, an alcoholic who is sober, will be coming with his girlfriend of a year.
I've only met this girlfriend once, when she came to our house for dinner in May. At that time, a lot of the conversation was about my brother's past, how people where they work were discouraging her from dating him, etc.
Even though it was just family at dinner, I was embarrassed for my brother and frankly didn't want to hear it. I've been through too much with my brother as it is.
My question is whether I should say something ahead of time to his girlfriend about not talking about his past - or should I just hope that it doesn't happen again with my daughter's relatives?
Dear Sister: Every couple has a story. However this story strikes you, your brother's past belongs mainly to him. He gets to fold, spindle, and mutilate it - or share it at 12-step meetings or Thanksgiving dinner. If his girlfriend's over-sharing embarrasses him, then he should handle it.
This formerly drunken brother may have pulled you through the knothole, but part of his recovery experience will be to try to take responsibility for his actions, seek amends, and repair his relationships where he can. Please let him try.
If the dinner-table talk takes a turn you don't enjoy, you can try your best to turn the conversational ocean liner around. "Mmmm, these mashed potatoes are so creamy!" is one way to start.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
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