The fun-loving women at savvymiss.com (an online magazine for "intellectually curious" 20-to-30-year-olds) recently posed a vital and salient question:
What do men think about during sex?
Snarky women among you are now asking, "Men can, like, think?"
Well, yes, apparently, we geniuses are thinking all the time, even when we're performing That Which We Were Put on Earth to Do (TWWWPOETD).
In my experience, this is pretty simple.
During TWWWPOETD, single men are thinking, "Thank Zeus, I'm actually doing it! I should probably wait until we're done to call my buddies, though."
Married men, on the other hand, are asking themselves, "Is it Wednesday already?"
Savvymiss.com called on sex writer Brandon Maxwell to clear things up. He says that during sex, men think first and foremost about performance.
Just what about performance depends on where a guy's at in a relationship.
If he's with a new woman in his life, he is likely fretting that he is too revved up and might conclude the encounter too quickly.
Such men, experts tell us, summon images of baseball (See Woody Allen in the movie Play It Again, Sam invoking the great Willie Mays). Or, they ponder the stock market, or the family barbecue (sorry, Dad) to forestall abrupt endings.
Others think of themselves as power tools, incapable of faltering until the task is completed: Mikita men.
Some even conjure the Energizer Bunny - only a lot more masculine versions of the creature.
Stanley Teitelbaum, a North Jersey psychologist who treats sexual anxieties in men, tells me he frequently runs into patients who do multiplication tables in their minds to prolong the experience:
"Do you love me, Rocco?"
"Uh, sure, baby. What's nine times six, by the way?"
If a guy is with his wife or other longtime companion, on the other hand, he is still thinking about performance, but may need to fantasize about Angelina Jolie doing situps or something to help things along.
Regardless of who he's with, my friend (call him the Love God) says he contemplates neither math nor actresses.
What's on his mind during TWWWPOETD is what's in his refrigerator.
Thus, if there's a chocolate layer cake or some particularly good leftover risotto cooling under Saran Wrap, the Love God feels that much more vivified.
The anticipation of the snack enhances the experiences he, and in turn, his companion, are having.
"It's all about appetite," he says.
The Love God is very wise.
Of course, no one at savvymiss.com was tackling the thornier question of what women think about during sex.
A female friend assured me that no woman would ever spill such secrets. To do so would crush the already crack-prone male ego.
"And what good would you men be to us then?" she asked.
So guys, don't ask what she's thinking in bed. If she asks you, be noncommittal. And never mention the risotto.
Contact columnist Alfred Lubrano at 215-854-4969 or firstname.lastname@example.org.