Tell Me About It: Her boyfriend doesn't check in

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: I feel hurt when I don't hear from my boyfriend during the day, but he maintains that we should be fine just reconnecting when we both get home from work. He usually works till 9 or 10 p.m., though, leaving me feeling lonely and unmoored. A simple check-in text would be enough. Is this too much to ask?

Answer: Apparently it is to him, because you asked and he said no.

So, now you have to decide: Is this important enough to you - or an indication of an important enough difference between you two - to warrant breaking up?

I'm actually not nudge-nudging you one way or the other. It's entirely up to you how you prioritize this. Just don't rationalize, and, for the love of cheesesteaks, stop shopping around for people to agree with you that you're asking very little and therefore he "should" send an assurance text. Nuh-uh.

He is who he is, so are you OK with him that way? That's the only unit of measure that makes any sense to use.

One more thing. When you are in a healthy relationship, you will not feel "lonely and unmoored" daily. The deeper problem that needs your attention is finding the source of your anxiety. Did you choose a guy who doesn't suit you and/or whom you don't suit, leading you to crave validation? Or will no man suit you because you're looking for men to fill a vacancy in your life that only you can fill?

Tough questions, but if you're both honest with yourself and attentive to the context, past and present, you will get to the answers - and get your evenings back.

Question: I realize this is a silly and/or immature question, but what makes people decide they would rather be friends than lovers?

My male friend and I have amazing chemistry, have kissed and hooked up a few times, and have been on a few dates before he told me he didn't want to continue dating, as he was afraid it would destroy our friendship.

In my opinion, a relationship is like a friendship but even more awesome. I think he really does believe preserving our friendship is a valid reason not to get in deeper romantically. What am I missing? If we have the chance to be friends and more, why would someone turn that down?

Answer: It's neither a silly nor an immature question, but it's also not really for me to answer, since only his answer matters here. Did you ask him outright? If not, why not now?

It sure sounds like preserving the friendship is an excuse, because people who actually need that kind of willpower struggle to sustain it, and he doesn't even need it - right? You're both single? Plus, if he had a more concrete reason, like a religious, ideological, demographic, or geographic problem, surely he'd say it.

It might be academic, since your wanting more and his wanting less tends to unravel a friendship anyway - unless, that is, he can be completely transparent and your craving for him can subside.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.