Saturday, November 28, 2015

Tell Me About It: Must real friends 'challenge' each other?


Question: One of my close friends has taken to jumping on me over all kinds of things - what I eat, how I vote, whether it's "right" for me to have a cleaning lady, you name it. When I get annoyed at the constant attacks, he tells me that real friends are supposed to challenge each other, that everyone else in my life just mindlessly validates me, and that I'm close-minded and unable to handle criticism. (I don't think that's true, although I certainly don't appreciate having it hurled indiscriminately at me like this.)

This guy is smart, interesting, and can be a lot of fun, but every time I see him, I come away feeling really insecure that I actually am this flawed, awful person living in a bubble full of sycophants - I mean, how would I know? It's not like the sycophants would tell me.

Is he right? Is the common wisdom that friends are supposed to "challenge" each other?

Answer: "To you, real friends challenge each other. To me, life is a constant challenge, and so real friends are the ones who are kind to and accept each other." Discuss.

Or say, "Fine. I'm challenging your notion that it's your place to fix me."

Or, don't discuss or say, and just let this alleged close friend know you're not going to keep serving yourself up to be criticized.

He will likely call this proof you can't handle criticism, but that's fine - just tell him he's right, shrug, and spare yourself his company. It's your prerogative.

As for doubts this has stirred up, you can still pay attention to your own behavior and to the ways your other friends do and don't reinforce it, without validating his tactics. It's useful to revisit occasionally our own idea of what a good person is, and to see whether we're living up to that; that's our job, though, not our friends'.

Reader comment: You know, my husband challenges me. He calls me on it when I behave poorly. There have been points in my life when I have listened to his criticism even after completely disregarding everyone else's. This is because he deploys his criticism very selectively, and doesn't rip into me for eating an ice cream bar or blowing off errands or whatever. He makes me want to be a better person.

If he was doing what "Challenged" described, however, I would stop listening to him very quickly and assume he needed to find a new wife, someone whose flaws he didn't feel the constant need to point out.

Answer: This makes the distinction clear, thank you.

Reader comment: I'd say real friends ask and discuss with kindness and tact, and accept that they may make different choices in life. Or, you know, generally behave like adults with their friends.

Obviously, my tune changes if there are serious red flags, but a cleaning lady definitely doesn't fall under "flag material" to me.

Answer: Right - whereas this friend's behavior does, since he's essentially gaslighting "Challenged." Thanks.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at


We encourage respectful comments but reserve the right to delete anything that doesn't contribute to an engaging dialogue.
Help us moderate this thread by flagging comments that violate our guidelines.

Comment policy: comments are intended to be civil, friendly conversations. Please treat other participants with respect and in a way that you would want to be treated. You are responsible for what you say. And please, stay on topic. If you see an objectionable post, please report it to us using the "Report Abuse" option.

Please note that comments are monitored by staff. We reserve the right at all times to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable. Personal attacks, especially on other participants, are not permitted. We reserve the right to permanently block any user who violates these terms and conditions.

Additionally comments that are long, have multiple paragraph breaks, include code, or include hyperlinks may not be posted.

Read 0 comments
comments powered by Disqus
Also on
letter icon Newsletter