Tell Me About It: A child, 5, is asking about death

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Question: My 5-year-old has been asking a lot of questions about dying, such as what happens when you die, do you see God, how old are you when you die - which eventually results in a question about whether a young person can die.

Is this normal for the age? I never experienced this with my older child. We have not had a recent death in the family that might trigger questions.

Answer: In my experience it's normal, but any time you're worried and trying to figure out what the range of normal behavior is for a child, it's better to ask someone "on the ground" versus someone in the ether like me, because that person would have the benefit of context and follow-up questions in answering you. Choose someone who knows you and your child, who is a veteran at dealing with matters of child development - teacher, pediatrician, clergy person, a particularly astute parent - and whose judgment you trust.

The $10 answer (or free answer, via your local library) is Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen. It's a matter-of-fact but gentle way to explain death to a child.

The way I see it, and the way I dealt with it with my kids' relentless grilling, is that death is an ordinary, natural, yet often sad part of life. I did tell them everything that lives eventually dies, that people die, that most people live lives of more than 70 years, but some die sooner, even children, though that's very, very rare. I told them some people believe you see God and some don't, some believe in heaven and some don't, and no one who is alive can be sure - we can only believe.

I also see these larger questions as completely sensible, and answering them truthfully as appropriate, for any child trying to process the wider world. Even if they're years from having to deal with a human death, they'll still notice an unlucky squirrel in the road.

But different kids process things differently, so not asking is normal, too.

Question: I have five siblings. Our widowed, elderly mother lives in a retirement community that requires our financial support to help pay for it (it's not luxurious by any standards, but it's clean, comfortable, and safe).

One sibling was unemployed last year. So we let him out of financial support until he was on his feet again. He and spouse are working again (for several months now) but are not providing financial support despite direct requests to do so. Brother has not even acknowledged my most recent request.

I am angry and resentful because, of course, the rest of us have financial obligations, too, and yet we all manage to provide support (by the way, the individual contribution is far less than $100 per month). What can I do to encourage brother to start paying again?

Answer: Drop it. It's not right for your brother to duck this without explanation, but he's doing it, so your choices are either to suck it up or shake him down. Leave it to his conscience and be right with your own - and leave room for the possibility that he just needs more time to catch up.

Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com.