Tell Me About It: It's about daughter, not her ex

Question:

I wrote to you before about my daughter's on-again/off-again relationship with her boyfriend whom we didn't like, and you wisely advised that it was none of our business unless abuse or drug use was involved. We stepped down on the situation, and they finally broke up for good.

About a year later, I discovered he had a serious drug addiction. So, it turns out that our instincts were correct.

Fast-forward to now. She hasn't looked for a relationship with anyone else and she doesn't trust her instincts, though it's been almost two years since the breakup. She is still angry about the way we wouldn't accept him.

She says if we truly loved her, we would accept her choices. We say, as parents, we can't help but be protective of our child, even one who is a young adult.

How can we all get past this disaster of a relationship and the cracked pieces of our relationship with her?

Answer: Being right is an addictive substance of its own.

With this guy, you called it, yes. But the ex-boyfriend's failings and what your daughter is upset about are two different things. When she says, "You should have accepted my choices," your "But we were right!" response is an emotional non sequitur. She isn't talking about the guy, she's talking about herself, and you keep coming back with responses about the guy.

What she's asking you, rightly, to provide is acceptance that her choices are hers to make.

What you owe her is reinforcement that she doesn't need Mommy and Daddy to step in if one of those choices goes bad. As she proved with this guy, she's capable of figuring things out for herself.