Posted on Sun, Jul. 6, 2008
I don't have to know you and your partner to tell you that the surest way to replace relationship stress is to get in sync about your money.
When couples spill the beans about some sort of money issue that's making for an unhappy partnership, it invariably takes me only about a minute to discover that the problem existed practically since the day the two got together. Yet when I ask why they didn't tackle the problem earlier, I get the same answer: "Oh, we were so in love, and I just figured he/she would change."
Denial is not a strong tool for relationship management. Nor is closing your eyes to the problem and wishing your loved one would change. If you know there's a problem now, it's only going to become a bigger problem if you don't address it.
My experience is that most people who don't respect money don't respect themselves. How we treat money is symptomatic of how we feel about ourselves. If you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't handle money properly, the challenge is to create a supportive environment in which you both can look at the deeper issues that are manifesting themselves as poor money choices.
Separate isn't equal. Here's my strategy for how to merge finances in a relationship. It needs to be a three-part dance of "ours, mine and yours." First comes "ours": Ours is a joint checking account and joint credit card from which all living expenses are paid. Ours is a joint savings account in which you both build up a stash equal to eight months of living expenses. Ours is combined long-term investments for retirement.
From there, move on to "mine" and "yours." These are the separate accounts each of you keeps.
I'm a big believer that you should always have a savings account in your own name. The idea is that once you've merged your finances, you each respect the right of the other to have some financial independence, too. I also think it's smart to have a separate checking account, so you can each pay for your personal indulgences.
Each of you should also maintain one credit card that's solely in your name. Without that, you have no credit record that's yours alone. In the event that you divorce, separate or are widowed, that's going to leave you in a horrendous financial fix - you won't be able to qualify for the best rates on loans and may even be turned down flat. You'll also need to make hefty deposits to open basic utility accounts or get a cell phone in your name. It can even impact your car insurance rate.
Home rules. Raising kids meets every definition of work. To belittle it because it doesn't create income is disrespectful. The all-too-common problem is that an odd dynamic builds in which the stay-at-home parent thinks she (or he) has to ask for money, or ask if it's OK to buy something. The "ours, mine and yours" strategy should keep this from occurring in your family.
If money still remains a divisive issue, there's likely a serious disconnect between the two of you about the value of having one of you staying home. Again, this needs to be honestly discussed. Given the tougher economic times we face today, the financial reality may be that both of you need to earn an income.
Get it in writing. If you have yet to marry, I strongly recommend a prenuptial agreement. For those of you who are contemplating remarrying, you're absolutely nuts to tie the knot again without carefully documenting the assets you have prior to the marriage.
Moreover, you both need an advance directive that lays out your medical-care wishes should you become unable to speak for yourself. Those of you who are together but not married should also make sure you each have a durable power of attorney for health care, or a health-care proxy, set up. This designates who speaks for you if you're unable to communicate your health-care wishes. Without this in place, unmarried partners can find themselves unable to take care of their loved one.
And don't think a will is all you need. A living revocable trust that has an incapacity clause is hands-down the best way to take care of your family.
Suze Orman is a best-selling author and Emmy award-winning TV host whose latest book, "Women and Money," was published in March 2007. For details, please visit www.suzeorman.com.
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