Thursday, December 25, 2014

GQ's feature on the Kid Rock concert cruise is the best/scariest thing you'll ever read

GQ sent Drew Magary on Kid Rock's fourth annual "Chillin' the Most" cruise to report on how the other half lives.

GQ's feature on the Kid Rock concert cruise is the best/scariest thing you'll ever read

Grammy-award winning artist  Kid Rock posing for a portrait in New York. Kid Rock´s "$20 Best Night Never Tour" kicks off June 28 in Bristow, Va., and opening acts include ZZ Top, Uncle Kracker and Kool and the Gang. (Photo by Carlo Allegri/Invision/AP, file)
Grammy-award winning artist Kid Rock posing for a portrait in New York. Kid Rock's "$20 Best Night Never Tour" kicks off June 28 in Bristow, Va., and opening acts include ZZ Top, Uncle Kracker and Kool and the Gang. (Photo by Carlo Allegri/Invision/AP, file) Carlo Allegri/Invision/AP

GQ sent Drew Magary on Kid Rock's fourth annual "Chillin' the Most" cruise to report on how the other half lives. Unsurprisingly, the resulting feature in the magazine's June issue is the most enlightening and entertaining piece of journalism that the Internet has to offer.

There are water bottles filled with cocaine and naked people in hot tubs and a Speedo contest and airbrushed overalls. Drunk people in wheelchairs, boobie tassles at the breakfast buffet, "Merica" hats, and wonderful anecdotes from Kid Rock himself:

I've been over there for the military so many times, and oh, I can't tell you, I hate that region. At least in Vietnam they had the f***ing beers and dope. Robin Williams went to Iraq with us. It was him and Lewis Black and Lance Armstrong. And we got stuck at this base. Like, there was literally four bunk beds lined up, and we each had a handler. It was like camp. You know, it's dark, and Robin and Lewis just started making jokes, like, about our ordeal. And then Lance Armstrong won't stop farting. So every time there'd be just a moment of silence and it'd be like...[fart noise]...

Yup, that's a thing that happened. The entire four-page feature is packed with gems like that. I know what you're thinking and, yes, the GQ folks had enough foresight to send a photographer and create an accompanying photo slideshow.

The whole thing is incredibly entertaining, but the language and images would probably be considered NSFW. Below, you'll find a list of some choice, out-of-context lines from Magary's piece. If these can't convince you to read the feature, nothing will.

  • "There's also 12,568 pounds of fruit, none of which will be eaten."
  • "No one on the ship calls him "Kid Rock." He's Bob or Bobby to everyone."
  • "There are nine people aboard who are actually disabled, and I spend the rest of the cruise trying to figure out who's got ALS and who is merely drunk beyond functionality."
  • "Beside one of the hot tubs, there's a Heineken Light bucket filled with warm vomit."
  • "There is no traditional circadian rhythm on this boat, no day and night. There is only Drunk and Passed Out. Time itself is irrelevant."
  • "There's an oversize topless woman with Kid Rock pasties covering her nipples, dancing as her husband spoons her from behind."
  • "There's a husband-and-wife team carrying a baby doll covered in blood with a fake umbilical cord running under the wife's dress. (She gave birth in the high school bathroom, you see.)"
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