Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Inquirer Daily News

Illinois town removes hill because sledding is fun and NO FUN ALLOWED

A town that sits approximately 30 miles north of Champaign, Illinois has become the theater for the war on fun, thanks to the municipality's decision to remove the town's only hill.

Illinois town removes hill because sledding is fun and NO FUN ALLOWED

Instead of trying to walk back up the hill after sledding down Mackenzie Beamer, 8, takes the stairs back tot he top of the hill at Fort Washington Elementary School. Snow and Ice greeted residents of the Delaware Valley Saturday morning. How is the Philadelphia region´s transportation, especiall air and train, impacted by the storm  02/09/2013  ( MICHAEL BRYANT / Staff Photographer  )
Instead of trying to walk back up the hill after sledding down Mackenzie Beamer, 8, takes the stairs back tot he top of the hill at Fort Washington Elementary School. Snow and Ice greeted residents of the Delaware Valley Saturday morning. How is the Philadelphia region's transportation, especiall air and train, impacted by the storm 02/09/2013 ( MICHAEL BRYANT / Staff Photographer )

A town that sits approximately 30 miles north of Champaign, Illinois has become the theater for the war on fun, thanks to the municipality's decision to remove its only hill. The issue, it seems, is that the town is concerned that a child might get hurt sledding on the hill, so they're simply flattening the land so that Paxton won't be liable.

The hill, a popular sledding destination for locals, is being removed over the course of the next several weeks. Liability concerns raised by the Paxton Park District's insurance provider, the Park District Risk Management Agency, led to the park board's decision to remove it earlier this winter.

There's a childhood obesity crisis. Kick the Can has to compete with Call of Duty and Netflix and YouTube and Twitter and Playstation Vita to get a child's attention. Any 10-year-old that pauses Angry Birds long enough to wikipedia what "sledding" means should be given a damn medal, not forced to watch as their town demolishes the hill just like Hexxus in Ferngully.

The district's recreation manager hopes that people just forget that the hill ever existed.

"I can imagine that the first couple of times it snows, they'll think about the hill and come out (to Coady Park) and see it's not there and be disappointed," McKenry said, "but I'm hoping within a couple of years it will be forgotten." [The News-Gazette]

Paxton's board—hellbent on ruining the childhood of every kid in the town—has already got contractors to get rid of the vegetation on the hill. They've started to remove dirt to level the land. And that's just the beginning.

Paxton is reportedly hard at work on local legeslation that will call for all playground slides to be repurposed as ironing boards. After school programs will be cut to fund what they're calling the Anti-Laughter Task Force (working title), that will monitor streets and municipal buildings to ensure that joy becomes a thing of the past; a tale of yore, passed down through the generations by word of mouth. Snowmen will be melted. Flowers will be poisoned. Ne'er shall a puppy's belly be rubbed.

Other things that Paxton plans to eradicate include (but are not limited to): sprinkles, hopscotch, tag, flag football, smiling, M&Ms, Pixar movies, Skip-It (kids still do that, yeah?), running through the sprinkler, ice cream trucks, ice cream in general, and Nickelodeon. 

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