Monday, December 22, 2014

Chris Brown and Rihanna get their own episode of 'Law & Order: SVU'

Last night's Law & Order: SVU was specifically designed to help Rihanna realize that Chris Brown is stupid and, as difficult as it may be for her to admit that he's an abusive idiot with a serious temper problem, it's something she should probably consider.

Chris Brown and Rihanna get their own episode of 'Law & Order: SVU'

Rihanna has been the subject of widespread criticism and concern after she stepped out publicly with her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown on multiple occasions.
Rihanna has been the subject of widespread criticism and concern after she stepped out publicly with her ex-boyfriend Chris Brown on multiple occasions.

Last night's Law & Order: SVU was specifically designed to help Rihanna realize that Chris Brown is stupid and, as difficult as it may be for her to admit that he's an abusive idiot with a serious temper problem, it's something she should probably consider. Did I mention that Chris Brown is stupid?

Anyway, I temporarily lifted my personal boycott of post-Detective Stabler Law & Order: SVU and watched the entire episode so you wouldn't have to. Here's what happens:

In the criminal justice system, sexually-based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives that investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories.

DUN-DUN

We're shown an old home video of young Rihanna Mischa singing into a hair brush. Chris Brown Caleb Bryant assaults her in front of Dave Navarro because of course Dave Navarro makes a cameo as a sound mixer. Rihanna Mischa files a police report, but then drops the charges. Oh, look, that guy from Cold Case is on this show now and he's not happy. Ice-T has cred so he tries to talk Jay-Z Brass into helping to convince Rihanna Mischa to leave Chris Brown Caleb Bryant. The detectives talk about Twitter because they can haz Internet, too. Munch references the actual Chris Brown and Rihanna because NBC is so meta now. George Sr. over-annuciates "gangster thugs" because he's a charicature of an old, white dude. Chris Brown Caleb Bryant buys Rihanna Mischa a ring so that Ice-T can make a Kobe joke. Then he gets a tattoo of a battered Rihanna Mischa on his lower abdomen. Chris Brown Caleb Bryant shoots and kills Jay-Z Brass because this is television and anything is possible, even though we all know that Chris Brown could never kill Jay-Z because Jay-Z's a bawse. No one is talking because Ice-T needs to be able to make a Biggie and 2Pac reference. Rihanna Mischa lies to help Chris Brown Caleb Bryant get away with murdering Jay-Z Brass. Chris Brown Caleb Bryant murders Rihanna Mischa. They play the video of young Rihanna Mischa singing into the hair brush on the news after reporting her murder because Justin Timberlake sang that it all comes back around, so it must be so. Fin.

In conclusion, Chris Brown is abusive and stupid. Don't listen to his music. You can watch the full episode here, if that's your thing.

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