On Sunday night, Americans will flip on the tube and watch as Hollywood pats itself on the back for a 2012 well-done. Celebrities will present and receive awards while trying not to slur their speech from all of the free booze while their constituents polltely golf-clap in the audience while trying to appear sober despite all of the free booze.
This is your cue to join in on the fun because, if nothing else, the culmination of Hollywood's love affair with itself is a perfectly good excuse to drink in excess on a Sunday night. So, without further delay, here are your definitive rules for the 2013 Oscars drinking game.
Red Carpet Pregame
- Take a drink every time someone talks about the weather.
- Take a drink every time someone says "jewels."
- Take a drink every time time someone mentions that you can't fit anything inside the handbags.
- Take a drink every time someone is asked how many dresses she tried before finding the right one.
- Take a drink every time someone says any form of the word "excite."
Actual Awards Show
- Take a drink for every award. If it's a film's second award, drink twice. If it's a film's third award, drink thrice. So on and so forth. (When Argo wins, the toast should definitely be, "Argo f*** yourself.")
- When they play someone off during an acceptance speech, start drinking when the music begins. Don't stop until they've been officially played off.
- Take a drink everytime someone botches a line.
- Take a drink every time Seth MacFarlane references one of his characters. This includes metions, appearances, and alterations to his normal speaking voice.
- Take a drink every time someone mentions booze.
- Take a drink every time someone mentions Meryl Streep.
- Take a drink every time someone says , "I don't have a speech prepared." ("I didn't expect this," also counts.)
- Take a drink every time someone says "brilliant" or "genius."
- WHEN ADELE PERFORMS, STOP EVERYTHING AND BASK IN HER GREATNESS.
- If someone trips or has a wardrobe malfunction you should just go ahead and finish your drink.
- Pour one out for the departed following the Oscars memorial montage.
- Take a drink every time someone thanks his or her mother.
- Finish your drink if the winner for Best Director mentions Ben Affleck.
- Drink whenever you're thirsty. That's literally what it's there for.
That's it and that's all. Enjoy the show. Have fun waking up for work on Monday.