Wednesday, August 27, 2014
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Zoo with Roy: Phillies as your office co-workers

Delmon Young is the Miserable Woman In the Cubicle Next to You That Hates Her Life

Zoo with Roy: Phillies as your office co-workers

Zoo With Roy has a comparative piece up this morning: Phillies as your office co-workers. Check out a couple of them below and then head over to the bolg to view the rest, including Chase Utley as the office cougar.

Delmon Young is the Miserable Woman In the Cubicle Next to You That Hates Her Life

This lady is the worst. She NEVER stops complaining or putting the most jaded, negative spin on everything that happens in your company, no matter what. She even managed to ruin the Cinco de Mayo party by suggesting that “it was inappropriate” and that the rest of you “should be ashamed” for your behavior. And nothing even happened. I mean, yeah, Martinez had a few too many Tecates, grabbed the little sombrero off of the mariachi center piece, and then jumped from one buffet table into the taco bar on another, but really it was quite a tame affair. As an added bonus points, it’s always fun when her husband--whom she also hates--calls to discuss dinner plans.

Ruben Amaro is The Absentee CEO That Shows Up Once A Month in His Porsche

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This guy has the life, and he’s the first to let everyone know it. After taking over for his father nearly five years ago, he’s spent less and less time in the office. This was fine at first, because the company (built by his Dad) mostly ran on autopilot, but in recent years it’s started to alienate the workforce and performance has slipped. Nowadays he “manages” the company almost entirely remotely, and when he does show up it’s in an obnoxious yellow Porsche convertible. He glides into the office with a pompous attitude, and never seems to not be talking on his Jawbone to his stock broker or what you presume are his fraternity buddies.

Kyle Kendrick is the Annoying Guy With No Self-Awareness

“Hey guys you wanna get some lunch...I’m thinking Hooters? Did you watch Three and a Half Men last night? Hilarious! What’s the deal with the new intern? Seems like a dweeb, am I right? Did you see that the recruiter from HR got a boob job? TOTALLY WOULD.” You just want him to shut up and go away, and tell him he’s not your friend, but the rumor is that he’s with the company based on nepotism alone, so you can’t really be direct about how much you hate his face. But as much as you’d never admit it to his big dumb face, he’s totally right about the girl in HR.

Cole Hamels is The Perfect Senior Manager That No One Respects

Literally the best all-around at what he does, Hamels still gets no respect from his peers and superiors despite sustained performance and success. And that’s because of his demeanor. Your company is fairly blue-collar (for a white collar “cubicle farm”) with an old school factory culture that’s tough to crack. There seems to be a larger emphasis on looking like you’re working hard than actually performing well, and for that, Cole suffers. He’s made it to Sr. Manager on guile alone, but it’s possible he’ll never get the big, career-making promotion.

Charlie Manuel is the Executive Assistant Who Actually Runs the Show

People always assume they’re going to get one over on her due to her folksy demeanor and old fashioned ways, but in reality she’s subtly running every detail of the entire office with her Jedi mind tricks and political mastery. She always books you a nicer rental car than she’s supposed to when you visit vendors so you love her a little extra.

Justin Klugh Sports Producer
About this blog
Pattison Ave. offers an eclectic mix of news and nuggets about Philadelphia sports and beyond. Live chats, analysis, random thoughts, viral videos, odds and ends -- you'll find it all here.

Jonathan Tannenwald Sports Producer
Brian McCardle Sports Producer
Justin Klugh Sports Producer
Jerry Gaul Sports Producer
Vaughn Johnson Sports Producer
Michael Kaskey-Blomain Assistant Sports Producer
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