Right from the start, Deadspin lets you know that this preview is not for Eagles fans.
It is, however, part of their ongoing series of 2013 NFL team previews, in which they take a look at all the various reasons each NFL team sucks. Today was the Eagles' turn. Here's a look at some highlights, but make sure to check out the whole thing here.
On the fans:
Getting rid of Reid took ages, so you would think that Eagles fans would be excited for Kelly and give him at least a year to get his house in order. But Eagles fans are the most ungrateful people alive. Your typical Eagles fan is a bloated, sweating neckbeard who spends the entire game frowning with his arms crossed, regardless of the score.
On Chip Kelly's fast-paced offense:
"It's gonna be a real treat to watch the Eagles go three-and-out in 20 seconds, give up a 12-minute touchdown drive, and then go three and out in 20 seconds AGAIN ... I'm sure fans in Philly will be patient and reserved and give Kelly all the time he needs to work out the bugs in his FIRE HIM FIRE HIM NOW KILLLLL HIM!"
On Michael Vick:
"The Eagles are fully aware that Vick is in the twilight of his career, which is why I predict that they'll say [expletive deleted] IT and have him run the ball 200 times, because there's no future they need protecting. You may as well just destroy Vick and have fun with it, you know?"
"Vick's primary receiving targets include DeSean Jackson (who unofficially retired two years ago) and Football Michael Richards."
On DeSean Jackson's fantasy value:
"Also, owning DeSean Jackson is like volunteering to have your nipples removed."
On troubled wideout Riley Cooper:
"The fact that this team has suffered so many preseason injuries at wideout that they had to keep Riley Cooper around after he publicly dropped an n-bomb isn't a good sign. You shouldn't NEED Riley Cooper. You should be able to replace him with a street free agent, or a popsicle stick with a picture of Bull Connor on it, or anything, frankly."
And the quarterback situation:
"Once Vick gets hurt, the Eagles will be left with Nick Foles, presumably unwanted by Kelly. I imagine Foles looks at Kevin Kolb's career path and thinks to himself, "Yup, that pretty much looks like how this is gonna play out for me." Oh, and Matt Barkley is here! The Jimmy Clausen of USC quarterbacks."
They also have a list of the 12 worst Eagles of all-time - Mike Mamula isn't No. 1 - and provide one reason why your team doesn't suck.
"I would sit in a tent in the Arctic with an Eagles fan for seven straight weeks before hanging out with a Cowboys or Redskins fan. They're unbearable."
There's also a great list of reader emails, including this one from a high school classmate of mine:
"I saw a guy working behind the counter at Primo's Hoagies rocking an Andy Harmon jersey last year.
I'm not entirely certain it wasn't Andy Harmon himself."
- Hank Scorpio
Remember, click here to check out the full post, and click here for the rest of the teams, including the Giants, Chiefs, and Patriots.