Tuesday, June 2, 2015

TomKat divorce already settled!?

The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been settled, Katie's lawyer has announced.

TomKat divorce already settled!?

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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have deprived the public -- We the People -- the spectacle of a long, nasty, vitriolic drawn-out divorce.

Could it be true?

In a tragic report for gossipmongers around the globe, TMZ says the TomKat divorce –  that all-time most awesome breakup circus sideshow of all – is over.

As in settled, done, finished kaput.

Katie Holmes’ lawyer, Jonathan Wolfe, this morning told TMZ the 33-year-old Batman Begins star and her one-time one-and-only have reached a mutually beneficial, civil, friendly, perhaps even loving, solution to their sham marriage.

“This case has been settled and the agreement has been signed,” Wolfe says, “We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life.”

The celeb news outlet says the settlement comes after a days-long marathon negotiation between the two celebs’ lawyers.

Adds Wolfe, “We thank Tom's counsel for their professionalism and diligence that helped bring about this speedy resolution.”

Earlier today, TomKat released a joint statement – their last as a couple? – vowing that they are working hard to come up with an equitable custody agreement that would be in their 6-year-old daughter, Suri’s best interests.

“We are committed to working together as parents to accomplish what is in our daughter Suri's best interests,” said Holmes and Cruise's reps, Nanci Ryder and Amanda Lundberg respectively according to People mag. “We want to keep matters affecting our family private and express our respect for each other's commitment to each of our respective beliefs and support each other's roles as parents.”

People cites anonymous sources who say Suri will live primarily with Katie in New York. Cruise, 50, will get "generous visitation rights."

This is entirely unacceptable! How could it be over before it even began?

How could celebrities be so cruel? How could they deprive the public of the months of scandal and misery, the dozens of accusations and counter-accusations and the general air of nastiness we so desperately crave?

Inquirer Sideshow Columnist
About this blog
Tirdad Derakhshani was born in Tehran, Iran, and raised in London and rural North Jersey, where he closely studied a theoretical, radical post-Hegelian approach to cow-tipping. He moved to Philadelphia in the mid-‘80s to seek enlightenment, and instead received a B.A. in literature at Penn. While pursuing doctoral studies in modern religious thought and philosophy, he worked at the Inquirer as a news clerk, researcher, editor, and entertainment writer.

He hopes SideShow will help citizens better understand the vicissitudes of the Consumerist-Military-Industrial-Infotainment Complex, or, in other words, why Britney Spears has a tendency to shave her head, Brangelina to adopt children, and Lindsay Lohan to crave imprisonment. Read SideShow every morning.


Tirdad Derakhshani Inquirer Sideshow Columnist
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