Friday, December 19, 2014

Ashton Kutcher moves out? Demi Moore to file for divorce?!

As reports pile up about Demi Moore's husband, Ashton Kutcher's alleged adulterous orgy, a glossy tabloid claims the actor has left his matrimonial home.

Ashton Kutcher moves out? Demi Moore to file for divorce?!

SNTV - New Details in Ashton and Demi Cheating Scandal Video: SNTV - New Details in Ashton and Demi Cheating Scandal

A glossy tabloid claims Ashton Kutcher, 33, has fled his matrimonial home, a report that comes on the heels of a growing tsunami of rumors (do tsunamis have heels?) that 48-year-old G.I. Jane star Demi Moore’s son, er, husband marked his sixth wedding anniversary last weekend by holding an adulterous saturnalia the likes of which haven’t been since Caligula (whose parties are immortalized in Penthouse founder, the late Bob Guccione’s documentary, Caligula).

Life & Style Weekly reports that the Dude, Where’s My Car? star – who reportedly has morphed into a Dude, Where’s my Latest Hot Naked Adulterous Chic? star – has abandoned his beloved wife, the light of his life, the keeper of his flame, the apple of his eye, and removed himself from the  (no-doubt luxurious) domestic setting where they have made a life since they wed on that hallowed of all Demi-days, Sept. 24, 2005.

Their union was even blessed by Demi's ex-husband, Die Hard bruiser Bruce Willis. What's more, Ashton was welcomed with open arms by the Willis-Demi children, Tallulah Belle, Rumer and Scout Willis. Heck, Ashton and Scout even made a lil' music video together. Do the Willises feel betrayed?

That dasterardly Dashton-destroying sex party ...

More coverage
Gallery: Dashton call it quits
 
A 6-year itch for Dashton?

The report comes hours after Star magazine published photos allegedly taken at the orgy.

Reportedly, the Sept. 24 event, which had Ashton allegedly interact with three women, was held in a $2,500-a-night suite at the San Diego Hard Rock Hotel.

An Anonymous Source cited in an Us Weekly story says "within five minutes [of entering the suite], they were all naked in the hot tub, making out!"

The incriminating photos are prominently displayed on the cover of the new Star mag. A banner headline reads, “Demi & Ashton: The Photos that ended their marriage!”

A teaser promises “17 World Exclusive Photos” inside.

The cover photos feature (a fully clothed) Ashton, sporting a short beard and a hepster fedora sitting at the edge of what looks like a white tub, holding court with three scantily-clad yet-decent-enough-for-publication-purposes women. (They seem to be wearing bikinis.)

One photo shows one of the women using what looks like a plastic water pipe, known by those hepcat stoner types as a bong. The caption reads, “Ashton’s lover keeps partying.”

One of the women, Sara Leal, 23, allegedly told a friend (in rather strange phrasing) that she “100 percent” had sex with Ashton during the so-called “Naked Hot Tub Hoedown.

Why won't they issue a statement?

There has been nary a peep from either Ashton or Demi, except for a few cryptic tweets from Ahston, including this one from Monday:

ashton kutcher
I wish the news would just tell me what happened instead of what it thinks I should think about what happened.

Let's take a moment to reflect

Take a seceond and look at this boy here.

Would such a sweet-looking boy really engage in meaningless, soul-crushing orgies?

He seems more in need of a tender mother figure (ahem) than naked fluff-heads. (Though, to be honest, we've never envisioned Demi as all that tender. Maybe she is. So much mystery ...)

Why, we ask? Why, Ashton, have you reduced yourself to Charlie Sheen-hoodian shenanigans?

Why?!

Moment's over. Now that w're back in touch with your feelings, we wonder about Demi's. Did she cry when he left  (if the report is true that he left ...)? We imagine she did.

Perhaps she's crying because deep, deep down she knew that so-called "cougar couples" never survive for long.

Heck, perhaps she’s laughing, giggling, teeheeing. Probably not.

Or perhaps she’s getting totally blotto (drunk).

… that’s right, folks, there are reports Ashton left Demi because he was sick of her heavy drinking. Others claim the Bunraku star, who has been sober for decades following a bout with substance abuse, has fallen off the wagon as a consequence of her marital problems.

Tirdad Derakhshani Inquirer Sideshow Columnist
About this blog
Tirdad Derakhshani was born in Tehran, Iran, and raised in London and rural North Jersey, where he closely studied a theoretical, radical post-Hegelian approach to cow-tipping. He moved to Philadelphia in the mid-‘80s to seek enlightenment, and instead received a B.A. in literature at Penn. While pursuing doctoral studies in modern religious thought and philosophy, he worked at the Inquirer as a news clerk, researcher, editor, and entertainment writer.

He hopes SideShow will help citizens better understand the vicissitudes of the Consumerist-Military-Industrial-Infotainment Complex, or, in other words, why Britney Spears has a tendency to shave her head, Brangelina to adopt children, and Lindsay Lohan to crave imprisonment. Read SideShow every morning.


Tirdad Derakhshani Inquirer Sideshow Columnist
Latest Videos:
Also on Philly.com:
Stay Connected