Dr. Timaree: How to make your long-distance relationship work

Physical proximity doesn't always mean feeling close. It can be an incredibly isolating experiences to stand alone in a crowd, for instance. Many of us have known the chasm of separateness that can exist between people sitting mere inches apart.

Meanwhile, it's possible to experience genuine and deep intimacy from thousands of miles away. This is the hope that inspires an estimated 14 million Americans each year to enter and stay in long-distance relationships (LDRs).

Like any relationship, it's a matter of getting on the same wavelength and cultivating the bond … and it can be done.

How does one end up in relationship with a lover hundreds or thousands of miles away? Sometimes they're already dating or married when one has to move. Others meet while traveling or online. The idea is that there's a unique and valuable connection that can't be replicated, one that's worth the work and wait.

Much like getting back together with an ex (a topic I tackled recently), there are always those who say an LDR shouldn't be attempted. They argue both are ultimately unsustainable. But the people who say it's impossible are often just speaking from their own bad experiences and assuming if it didn't work for them, it can't work for anyone.

Relationships end for a variety of reasons, distance is just one challenge. What matters is the individuals in the situation: their needs, long-term goals, and ability to foster the connection from afar.

Most operate under the assumption that the distance is temporary, but some folks in LDRs appreciate the freedom of living separately. A 2006 study found that some couples actually function better apart: a third of their sample split within three months of reuniting geographically, citing loss of autonomy and increased conflict.

Some people are too busy for a more conventional model of dating, and polyamorous folks may also be sustained on a day-to-day basis with other partners.

While they're equally likely as a proximate relationship (PR) to survive three months, the average length of an LDR (2.9 years) is half the duration of a PR (7.3 years).

Some research shows LDRs are often more satisfying and stable, though. Perhaps that's because the bond is stronger and the partners expect to put in more effort; LDRs are more likely to maintain communication throughout the day than PRs. Or it might be due to the idealization that can happen when people only see each other on rare occasions.

Overall, though, LDRs are not any more likely to end in a breakup than PRs. The biggest factor in longevity for any relationship is ability to adapt to unplanned changes.

Research shows us that a few key choices can make sustaining an LDR more satisfying.

Consider having a stated date and plan for closing the distance. This goal can be reassuring during hard times and is generally a good framework for collaborating on life trajectories.

Things to contemplate about the physical reunion: When will it happen? Who will be moving where? Will they have anything to move for besides the relationship itself? Will you live together and who will pay the bills? How will you adapt the change in dynamic?

As with any relationship, partners must know and communicate clearly what they need and expect, both from a lover but also the relationship itself. Clearly express your level of commitment and long term goals. Where does this stand compared to your other priorities in life?

Be direct about the quantity and type of contact you'll need in order to feel connected. Have a conversation about how you will each meet physical and emotional needs, because skin hunger is a very real thing. Are you allowed to flirt, date, or sleep with others, and if not, what counts as cheating?

Communicate when feeling jealous or neglected and take mutual responsibility to manage those issues.

Our attention spans might be getting shorter thanks to the Internet, but it's easier than ever to maintain an LDR thanks to everything from Skype/Netflix dates to teledildonics (sex toys that can be operated remotely).

There are cute inventions like the Hug Shirt and Kissinger to send hugs and kisses virtually, pressure-sensitive pillows that light up when your lover lies down on theirs, touch-communicating bracelets like TapTap, and apps like Avocado, which create a private social network for couples.

You also have the option to create sex toys modeled off of each other's parts.

If possible, develop a routine of greeting each other upon waking or before going to bed, keep in contact throughout the day by playing online games, sharing pics from your life, and sending cute texts. Old-school methods still work too: Plan phone calls through the week and physical visits at mutually workable intervals. Send letters and care packages.

In this way, you cultivate the best parts of both a serious commitment and a secret affair, potentially strengthening your skills as lovers and the connection you've found, no matter where you may live.

Dr. Timaree Schmit earned her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality from Widener University, where she now trains future sexologists and clinicians. Her passion is bringing rational, empirically-based, sex-positive information to the world, empowering others to celebrate their bodies, build intimacy and experience pleasure. 

She has an award-winning podcast, "Sex with Timaree", and hosts a BYOB sex ed, comedy/game show "DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour" which can be seen every second Friday at the Franky Bradley's (1320 Chancellor St.)