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Dr. Timaree: Addressing conflict effectively

If you interact with another human long enough, eventually there will be conflict.

If you interact with another human long enough, eventually there will be conflict.

It doesn't matter how awesome or easy going you may be. Even with lots of love, compatibility and good intentions, disagreements are inevitable. How we react will determine whether the relationship is damaged or made deeper.

Don't wait

There are only two reasons to delay dealing with conflict: either the situation doesn't matter or it's about to change, so that it will no longer matter.

Not addressing annoying or hurtful things that a partner does devalues their position in your life. It effectively says "this doesn't matter. What you do doesn't matter." And left unaddressed, manageably-sized difficulties turn into either seething resentments or vast chasms of silence. Not only are those both toxic to relationships, they usually lead to even more thoughtless or wounding behavior that has to be addressed as well.

We don't need to sweat the small stuff, sure. But if someone is going to be in your life on a regular basis – whether that be a partner, friend, family member, even a colleague or neighbor – consistently upsetting behavior isn't small stuff because they are significant to you.

Feelings are a real thing

Feelings are never wrong – they just are.

Perceptions may be off, information may be lacking, but if you're upset by something, you're upset. Emotions are relevant data in relationships. And if you care about someone, address the fact they're hurting as much as any other facts in the situation.

Sometimes it's hard to speak up about feeling insecure or anxious, especially when it seems like an "illogical" response. In your brain you know that you "shouldn't" feel that way, so you pretend that you don't. But denied feelings always find a way to seep out often in immature, unconscious, passive aggressive ways. So it's better to face them head on and talk openly about the experience, even if it's embarrassing.

Take ownership of your feelings, rather than placing blame and be specific about what behaviors are upsetting. Say things like "When you are consistently late to dates, I am disappointed and feel unimportant." or "When you frequently talk about your ex, I feel insecure and jealous, like you wish you were with him instead."

What do you want, though?

One of the most common conflicts in romantic relationships can be frequency of desire for sex. One person may want it every day and the other prefers once or week or two. The solution is not getting it on three times a week. Successful compromise doesn't just mean splitting the difference. If I want to live in Philly and you want to live in L.A., the solution is not for us to get a place in Kansas.

Instead, communicate what you are looking for out of a sexual experience, as well as what it feels like to be rejected or coerced. Depending on the situation, the solution could be making time for low-pressure make out sessions, showing affection some other way, or even opening up the relationship to others. Only you and your partner can know what will work. Identify your underlying wishes and fears to figure out what you really need to feel OK.

What are you saying?

Patiently waiting for your turn to talk is not enough: actively listen. Restate what you're hearing to confirm you get what your partner means. Ask clarifying questions because assumptions might be standing in the way of understanding.

Stress, hunger and tiredness affect conversations and how dire they feel. Note what's going on with you (and with them) in the situation. Don't lash out in hanger, and be patient when someone else does it.

Arguing is a team sport

…and you and your partner are on the same team. There's often an instinct to try to win debates, but the only victory for you as a couple is coming to a place of mutual understanding. The relationship is really a third entity into which you and your partner both contribute. It's something that is bigger than the sum of the two of you as individuals.

Stand up for your needs, insist on respect and speak to your partner's best self: the parts of them that you love and admire. Everyone wants to be heard and validated. When we feel secure, we make much better partners. So even when you're hurt and angry, it's still necessary to be empathetic and strive for understanding their viewpoint.

Arguments can tear people apart or be an opportunity to build deeper intimacy. When conflict arises, be brave enough to be vulnerable and direct and reap the rewards of a deeper, more genuine relationship.

Dr. Timaree Schmit earned her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality from Widener University, where she now trains future sexologists and clinicians. Her passion is bringing rational, empirically-based, sex-positive information to the world, empowering others to celebrate their bodies, build intimacy and experience pleasure. 

She has an award-winning podcast, "Sex with Timaree", and hosts a BYOB sex ed, comedy/game show "DTF: Darryl and Timaree Fun Hour" which can be seen every second Friday at the Franky Bradley's (1320 Chancellor St.)