If you are like most people, you have already watched four grandmothers die, suffered three cases of walking pneumonia, had both your spleen and your appendix removed, totalled two different cars, and gotten hijacked on a dark Bucks County road by a single mother who missed her SEPTA bus and needed to pick up her kids from day care, so really, what were you going to do, call the cops and report the poor lady?
In other words: You need an excuse.
And a good one. Because around 2:30 p.m. today, the entire office is going to come down with a vicious head cold, and the Boss Man is going to see right through that.
You don't have any kids, so a ransom demand is out of the question. And if you do have kids, you wouldn't really stoop to that, would you?
Oh. OK. Well then for those of us who don't have kids. . .
My job is to be at the ballpark, so it wouldn't make much sense for me to call out of work to watch the Phillies game. But for others out there, here are some ideas.
The Official High Cheese Get-Out-Of-Word-To-Watch-The-Game Idea List
1) Tell your boss you tweaked your back during batting practice and need to be re-evaluated.
2) Tell your boss you are a practicing member of a special sect of Judaism that actually observes Rosh Hashana 48 hours later than the rest of the world.
3) Convince your boss that today is actually the start of Daylight Savings Time and that the Rule of Thumb is actually Spring Backward and Fall Forward, thereby saving yourself an hour and perhaps allowing yourself to get home by the middle of the third inning.
4) Turn every calendar in the office to Saturday, Oct. 4th and hope for the best.
5) Pay a friend $10 to drive his car past your office during your lunch hour. Tell your boss you are going outside to the lunch truck across the street. Make sure your boss is looking out the window as you walk to the lunch truck. On your way out the door call your friend and say a Code Word like "The Bologna Is Out of the Package." As your friend drives his car down the street at a moderate but non-lethal speed, walk in front of the car. Note: It is better to try this when there are no police officers or other official-looking people in the vicinity.
I can't guarantee that any of those will work. In fact, I'm sure I will get an email in an hour from the company lawyers informing me that I need to attach a disclaimer to this blog post telling people that this list of excuses is for entertainment purposes only and should not actually be utilized. If you have any other ideas, feel free to chime in. Or share your stories on how you are going to follow the Phillies game on this work day.
We've got a lot of stories on the Local Nine today in the paper.
One of the more interesting anecdotes that came from yesterday's Dog and Pony sho -- er, press conferences -- was Jimmy Rollins' theory on why Ryan Howard has been such a beast at the plate over the last month. Mr. Rollins traces the offensive explosion back to Howard playing more loose in the field, which he says came as a result of a conversation with Charlie Manuel about not worrying about throwing to second base.
There's plenty more where that came from, so feel free to click over to our Phillies page to check it all out.
We ran a lot of this down on the blog yesterday, but in case you missed it:
J.A. Happ has been told he is on the playoff roster.
Rudy Seanez hasn't been told he is on the playoff roster.
The playoff roster is not yet announced.
Cole Hamels is starting on seven days rest, his longest of the season. When he started on six days rest he said he felt "rusty."
Pat Burrell hurt his back in batting practice yesterday.
We'll get you the starting line-up as soon as it is posted in the clubhouse.
How about some predictions?
In the paper today I took the Phillies in Four. I think they will win today's game late, getting a slow start against Yovani Gallardo before taking advantage of the Brewers bullpen. I think Cole Hamels will pitch well. Let's call it Phillies 4-2.
I think the Brewers win tomorrow. I think C.C. Sabathia pitches nine innings plus sings God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch. Brewers 2-1.
I think the Phillies cruise in Game Three, 8-3.
They will then win a battle in Game Four, 7-6.
Mark it down, then call my 1-800 number for my Monday Night Lock.