Friday, November 27, 2015

Your Super Bowl XLVIII primer


Your Super Bowl XLVIII primer

What is presumed to be an empty box in 50 degree weather. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)
What is presumed to be an empty box in 50 degree weather. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

Just minutes until game time, you better get caught up:

Welcome to Super Bowl XLVIII.

The Seattle Seahawks, down from their roost in the north, bring their house’s sigil into the marshlands of New Jersey, where the ferocious horselords of Denver await them. The Northmen are known for their ruthless stopping power, while the Broncos of Denver bring an insatiable hunger for the attack to the battle.

Peyton Manning ‘s congeniality masks a brutality known only to his enemies. Russell Wilson’s youth may be his downfall, but the vigor of his bloodsport is well documented through these lands, despite his age. Behind the lines stand Pete Carroll and John Fox, two men fighting demons of their own; Fox’s being his $1 million bonus, and Carroll’s being Pete Carroll.

And you… you’ll witness it all from the warm safety of your living quarters, far from the danger.

Hopefully, you’re spending it doing a lot less barfing than Jonathan Papelbon.

And also hopefully, your prediction for who emerges victorious is actually one of the teams playing. Should it be the team with the quarterback who just won the league's MVP award? Probably.

But also, it's not like the differential is at a historical low or anything.

In either case, be prepared to get those wallets out, sports fans! But not too obviously. Roger Goodell can't replace everybody's belongings.

Seahawks fans’ predictions for the game are in, and they put the Broncos’ chances somewhere between themselves and a urinal cake. Which might be where Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman's feelings might be.

Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen shared a moment of mockery for Americans, donning jerseys, and holding what’s not known as a “football” anywhere but here.

It's going to be a good old, no-tailgate, no-parking Super Bowl, which is somehow taking a toll on the local transit system. It's a good thing, too, because tailgating in that frigid 50 degree weather has been a concern for fans for weeks.

But what’s that? You don’t care about the Super Bowl? Well, nobody cares about you.

Sports Producer
We encourage respectful comments but reserve the right to delete anything that doesn't contribute to an engaging dialogue.
Help us moderate this thread by flagging comments that violate our guidelines.

Comment policy: comments are intended to be civil, friendly conversations. Please treat other participants with respect and in a way that you would want to be treated. You are responsible for what you say. And please, stay on topic. If you see an objectionable post, please report it to us using the "Report Abuse" option.

Please note that comments are monitored by staff. We reserve the right at all times to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable. Personal attacks, especially on other participants, are not permitted. We reserve the right to permanently block any user who violates these terms and conditions.

Additionally comments that are long, have multiple paragraph breaks, include code, or include hyperlinks may not be posted.

Read 0 comments
comments powered by Disqus
About this blog
Pattison Ave. offers an eclectic mix of news and nuggets about Philadelphia sports and beyond. Live chats, analysis, random thoughts, viral videos, odds and ends -- you'll find it all here.

Jonathan Tannenwald Sports Producer
Jerry Gaul Sports Producer
Vaughn Johnson Sports Producer
Justin Klugh Sports Producer
Rob Tornoe Sports Cartoonist
Latest Videos:
Also on
letter icon Newsletter