Just minutes until game time, you better get caught up:
Welcome to Super Bowl XLVIII.
The Seattle Seahawks, down from their roost in the north, bring their house’s sigil into the marshlands of New Jersey, where the ferocious horselords of Denver await them. The Northmen are known for their ruthless stopping power, while the Broncos of Denver bring an insatiable hunger for the attack to the battle.
Peyton Manning ‘s congeniality masks a brutality known only to his enemies. Russell Wilson’s youth may be his downfall, but the vigor of his bloodsport is well documented through these lands, despite his age. Behind the lines stand Pete Carroll and John Fox, two men fighting demons of their own; Fox’s being his $1 million bonus, and Carroll’s being Pete Carroll.
And you… you’ll witness it all from the warm safety of your living quarters, far from the danger.
Hopefully, you’re spending it doing a lot less barfing than Jonathan Papelbon.
— Ashley Papelbon (@ashpapelbon58) February 2, 2014
But also, it's not like the differential is at a historical low or anything.
Seahawks fans’ predictions for the game are in, and they put the Broncos’ chances somewhere between themselves and a urinal cake. Which might be where Seattle cornerback Richard Sherman's feelings might be.
Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen shared a moment of mockery for Americans, donning jerseys, and holding what’s not known as a “football” anywhere but here.
It's going to be a good old, no-tailgate, no-parking Super Bowl, which is somehow taking a toll on the local transit system. It's a good thing, too, because tailgating in that frigid 50 degree weather has been a concern for fans for weeks.
But what’s that? You don’t care about the Super Bowl? Well, nobody cares about you.