In March, we are reintroduced to one of Earth’s precious resources. Its appearance each year is met with enthusiasm and excitement, and its usefulness immediately cripples productivity. There are few who execute it correctly, and even fewer who wield its power even past its first phases.
By mid-March, the supply has quintupled, and the planet is overwhelmed. What was a rare commodity weeks before over saturates the market, and quickly warps and mutates, until it is unrecognizable from the form in which it originally appeared.
When the end of the month comes, humanity burns the entire supply, freeing themselves of its addictive grasp, questioning why they even bothered to use such a corrosive, unmanageable entity - save for several champions who had mastered its use in its brief time here.
That resource is, of course, the bracket.
Finally finished my bracket! What do you guys think? pic.twitter.com/gbRBDwSaAI
— Shabba Thanks (@Trilladelphian) March 17, 2014
What started as a means for predicting the outcomes of NCAA March Madness has reached its half-life of the season. Now, one cannot turn a head without being made aware of some insignificant acquaintance’s bracket results, or seeing a web site’s attempt to stay relevant in March by setting up their own bracket of favorite movies, media personalities, temperatures, dinosaurs, their own personal friends, etc.
The bracket is the dominant force on Earth through the Month of March. And it is time we made any sort of attempt to wrangle it into submission, if we are to survive it for another year.
The first step is of course to arrange the brackets into brackets.
The goal here is to get eliminated, or get "Duke'd." The seedings are based on the inanity, uselessness, unoriginality, and/or stupidty - the higher the seed, the dumber the bracket.
May the dumbest bracket take the bracket.
Selfies, TV couples, reality television - is there anything that matters less in a world where the wars from the '80s are being recycled and planes are just completley disappearing? Of course not. These are celebrity selfies, so you understand how valuable they are.
1 Celebrity selfies (Examiner.com)
16 Fictional presidents (The Wire)
8 Teen TV madness (Forever Young Adult)
9 Bilboard Hot 100 (Billboard)
5 TV couples (Zimbio)
12 Worst lyrics (Low Times Podcast)
4 Cougar Madness (Thunder Treats)
13 Old School TV (MeTV)
6 Seinfeld epsiodes (FOX Sports)
11 Best Twitter (The Wire)
3 Reality TV Rumble (Vulture)
14 "The Wire" characters (Grantland)
7 Top Miramax Films (Miramax)
10 Hulu: Best in Show (Hulu)
2 Fug Madness (Go Fug Yourself)
15 "Game of Thrones" characters (Screen Junkies)
Sports is one of the more egregious offenders, but what are offseason sports blog supposed to do in March? This is sadly where most of the repetition from previous years come from, and if the bracket gimmick has anything going for it, it's that a new, funny idea may catch on. But no, once again we're having media popularity contests.
Sports people also tend to dominate the "Seinfeld bracket" population, for some reason. I suppose the majority of sports writers still wish it was the '90s.
1 Best NY Giants Plays Ever (Giants.com)
16 Best MLB Nicknames (FTW)
8 Media Madness (The Big Lead)
9 College coach duos (CBS Sports)
12 Best Wrestlemania (PWTorch)
4 NJ sports figures (NJ.com)
13 Bitchy fans bracket (Deadspin)
6 Best MLB players (Bleacher Report)
11 Mustache madness (Philly.com)
3 Franchise frenzy (Colin Cowherd)
14 Top school Olympian (NBC Sports)
7 Top NFL QB's (NFL.com)
10 BCS as NCAA tourney
2 Philly sports media (Crossing Broad)
15 NCAA mascots (SB Nation)
NIGHT IN DIVISION
Why not curl up tonight with a copy of President Obama's Affordable Care Act? And then hop online and vote for your favorite reasons to get health insurance?
If you're reaction was "What in the hell are you talking about," you have the right mindset on the U.S. Government's #1 uselessness seed in this division. Then there's American Jesus, which is a tournament of Jesuses, etc. If there's something you entertain yourself with on a Friday night at home, chances are somebody has designed a bracket to rank 64 of them.
1 Affordable Care Act (WhiteHouse.gov)
16 This guy's best friend bracket (@CUCCI_MANE30)
7 Middle-earth Madness (TheOneRing.net)
10 Best Nic Cage freakout (The Wire)
3 Best Romance Novel (MySideline.com)
14 Sci-fi vs. Fantasy (io9)
5 Iconic t-shirts (Custom Ink)
12 Best dinosaur (The Wire)
2 Best slippers (BunnySlippers.com)
15 American Jesus (The American Jesus)
8 Heroes vs. villains (Hit Fix)
9 Star Trek vs. Star Wars (Geek Twins)
4 Fruits and veggies (SB Nation)
6 Star Wars (This is madness)
11 Best Nic Cage flicks (SB Nation)
NIGHT OUT DIVISION
But no! You won't spend another night, wallowing in t-shirts and dinosaurs. You'll go out into the world, where there are smart phones and drugs and alcohol and southern towns.
Zodiac signs claimed the top seed, edging out a field of 64 southern towns and a bracket determining people's favorite temperature. Upsets abound in this division, however, and a peak at the overall bracket of brackets will show that some of these were even more useless than we originally thought.
1 Best zodiac sign (The Wire)
16 Bracket of Life (@Ohh_Dea)
7 Smartphone Madness (Laptop Magazine)
10 Best drink (The Wire)
3 Best temperature (The Wire)
14 Best celebrity mugshot (@SnagFilms)
5 Best fast food (The Wire)
12 Condiment Madness (National Hot Dog and Sausage Council)
2 Greatest Southern Towns (Garden and Gun)
15 Drugs vs. alcohol (Jezebel)
6 Best chicken (The Wire)
11 Best BBQ (I Love Alamabama Food)
4 Best college (The Wire)
13 Worst company in America (Consumerist)
8 Best city (The Wire)
9 Best bar foods (Zagat)
If you’re like me, “fug madness” sounds like a sale of some kind, as if there is a type of shoe called a “fug” that Target is selling to cheap cheap cheap. But no, “fug” in this sense refers to the usage of the term made famous by Moe on the Simpsons:
Moe: I've been called ugly… pug ugly… fugly… pug fugly… but never ugly ugly.
Yes, one bracket, courtesy of the serpents at a web site called “Go Fug Yourself,” is a voting tournament to determine “which celebrity had the fugliest year.”
People like looking at celebrities, and they like insulting them as if they’re not people, so that they may feel better about their own problems, or better yet, become famous themselves. “That’s pretty despicable,” you might say. And you’d be right, in general, except during the month of March, when GFY uses their position as “judgmental strangers on the internet” to turn their year-round inferiority complex into a gag more likely to get them page views than their usual sleaze.
Best New York Giants plays in history
Not sure how you can form a list like this without including the clear winner, but it’s oversights like that that put this bracket in the final four.
This probably wasn’t the best year to attempt a bracket featuring top Giants plays. Perhaps it was initially limited to plays from the previous year, like the Colts are doing, but upon looking back, the creators realized the archives of successful play footage for the 2013-14 New York Giants is mostly barren.
Plays you can vote on include:
- A referee standing and screaming over the still body of Joe Montana, knocked unconscious by the Giants’ defense.
- Victor Cruz catching a touchdown pass in 2011 in front of a Jets sideline that appears bored with their own incompetence. If one of your best franchise moments is against the Jets, you are in dire need of some better moments.
- Some of them, like George Martin’s sack of John Elway in Super Bowl XXI, appear on the list twice. Nice try, the Giants.
This weirdly doesn’t even need an explanation. You know “temperatures?” The numerical measurement of how cold or warm it is outside? Yeah. Which one of those do you like the most. That’s what The Wire is asking.
The Wire was doing a new bracket every day, which would require them to dig deep into the toxic waste dump of terrible bracket ideas, and in its own way was a commentary on the ridiculousness.
So they came out “best temperature,” a tournament that allowed you to pick the degrees at which you are most comfortable. Which makes you wonder, is this something people want to feel passionately about? Is global warming a factor? Just kidding, we all know that’s a lie concocted by gay scientists. Would hundreds of college students fill a seating section dressed in shirts like “70 is heaven-ty!” or “Welcome to hell-sius!” or “Life isn’t fair-enheit!” or something that makes sense; you know what I mean.
The answer is “probably,” college students can get excited about anything if you put in a gym. It’s an admirable tribute. Still, though. What temperature do you think would win a contest like this? 73 degrees?
Yeah. That’s what won.
Affordable Care Act
Oh, poor, sweet, American government. Somewhere, in some room, some group of government social media specialists agreed that they had the inside track on men, ages 18-45, by putting the Affordable Care Act in the form of a bracket.
“They’re into NCAA basketball right now!” one of them shouted, reading data as it came through their data output machine.
“If we can turn this legislation into a 64-team bracket somehow, they’ll never know the distance!” another exclaimed.
They all nodded in agreement, and thus began a long night of work. What they settled on was “the 16 sweetest reasons to get covered,” to the delight of youths everywhere.
“And look!” cried America’s youth population. “There are cat .gifs on White House web site! Truly, this cause has won my support.” Not just that, but hot, fan favorite reasons like “Nobody’s invincible” and “women can’t be charged more than men” were pitted against each other in the first round. Of course, without a seeding order, we have no idea whether it’s an upset or not.
The point here is somebody finally found a way to make health insurance and the government cool and sexy again.