Jamie Moyer, best known for his age and at times confusing inability to separate from the game of baseball, will be the keynote speaker at Immaculata University's graduation on May 19 and even receive an honorary degree.
And why not? Jamie's got a winning attitude and a friendly smile; he's achieved immense success in the face of great odds, like his age, or a 62 mph fastball.
The timing couldn't be better, with the Phillies' rotation coming off a demoralizing series in Cleveland (by May 19 they might be willing to give him a call) and the city itself in need of something else to talk about this month.
WE DID IT, GUYS
If the Phillies had won last night, they would have ended their road trip 4-1 and returned home to face the Marlins, MLB's worst team, for four games.
Instead, they were outscored 20-2 over the course of two games in Cleveland. No matter how badly their stats decline (stats like OPS, the combination of on base and slugging percentage), the Phillies have at least been using the Fish as a benchmark for how bad things could really be.
Phillies outfielders have a .601 OPS, which is now the worst mark in baseball. The Marlins had been holding the basement until today.
— Todd Zolecki (@ToddZolecki) May 2, 2013
Cue the confetti, party favors, and banner that says "WORSE THAN THE MARLINS."
GOOD TO THE LAST $72.5 MILLION WORTH OF DROPS
You've had a rough night of watching the Phillies and despising humanity for inventing the sport of baseball. Now, it's time to get up for work, and those two hours of sleep just aren't going to cut it.
So what do you reach for? Coffee? Maybe... if you're a child.
Serious morning people are putting their pants on during their commute. They don't have time to wait in line at a coffee shop or watch a machine percolate one drip at a time. If you want to get serious about your morning, go for Espressoda.
Or go for what it's called now, "Sparkling Black Coffee." Espressoda came out a year ago and sold about as well as you'd think a novelty product relying on the furious eyes of Tommy Lee Jones would sell. Now, the company has vats of $72.5 million worth of Espressoda just lying around, and they can't get it to run cars, so it looks like we're going to have to drink it.
'WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?"
You thought the Marvel Universe had to be running out of characters, didn't you?
Not only will that never, ever, happen (Ant-Man in 2015!) but they can also just go back to the ones they've already done and proved financially viable were enjoyed by all.
There are a couple of timelines in the X-Men franchise right now, but this is the one where they have the most CGI.
"What the hell is happening?" Wolverine glowers at the end of the original trailer, echoing the sentiments of confused parents everywhere.